A Letter From Becka

It’s been a year of loss. Mike lost his job. My friend lost her baby. We lost our financial stability and I lost much of my hope. My friend lost her brother. He was a daddy and was killed right before father’s day. A little girl lost her battle to cancer. Mike lost his health, and with that, all independence. Another friend is watching her husband deteriorate from a disease before her very eyes. Haiti and its people lost everything. I have begun to understand the depth of how mortal we/I am.

I have been face to face with the reality that life is different now. Life has taken a new turn so to speak. Life when I was a child was happy, carefree, and the worst was a skinned knee or dad’s “everything but the kitchen sink” casseroles. Life in later years brought more joy – high school fun and friends, college memories, trips and lifelong friends, marriage and the hope of adoption, new houses and ministry and blessings. Walking through this last year has opened my eyes to the struggles that life now has to offer. It may be that when I was a child there were struggles and I didn’t notice them because I was too busy being a child. It may be that life was good, full of blessing and free of intense worry, and I am blessed beyond measure for this.

I have been plagued by the question “What have you learned through all this?”, because our prayer has been that we learn exactly what God would have us to learn throughout all this. When I go through rough times, I can’t begin to think about what I am learning. I have to think about getting through – survival mode. I’m your typical first born – everything has to be organized and fit in a neat box. I have learned in less than a year’s time that those boxes were a figment of my imagination. What I thought I had controlled due to my hearty efforts, was actually the grace of God allowing me to get through life with little pain.

Grace – God’s grace – man have I struggle with this concept throughout all this. It is amazing the truths you have grown to hold tightly to and how quickly you question the truth of His promises in the face of adversity. So many of you emailed me and facebooked me with words of praise for how I was handling the situation, for how deep my faith was. Oh friends, if I were to be authentic with you, you’d know that every time I read those words, I shook my head and told you silently in my heart not to admire my faith at all. You always wonder how you will respond in tough times. I had always hoped I would respond with righteousness and faith. My response was far less than admirable. I remember times I told the Lord again and again how sorry I was for what I had certainly done to deserve this, because in my mind the suffering we endured had to be punishment based. When I had worked through that period, I began to question His love. I’d go to church and we’d sing songs with lyrics that said, “Oh how He loves us so”. Every time we sang that song, I would sit down and cry and tell the Lord, I don’t feel it – I just don’t think You love me. His love is something I have grown up knowing in the depth of my heart to be truth. I struggled more with the concept of His love than anything else. So you can see why I shook my head when you told me you admired my faith. I’m afraid my faith was not strong enough to keep me from questioning my core beliefs, nevermind the faith to move a mountain.

The struggle of God loving me was never so profound in my life . . . . but then again the demonstration of His love has never been so profound in all my life. My struggle with Him loving me led to much anger. I began to be very angry. I didn’t want to hear Scripture, and my Bible collected dust for far too long. The anger was something that was new to me – sure I’ve been disappointed with the Lord and even mad at Him, but lasting anger was something new – but so was the demonstration of love by His people. We have been on the receiving end of prayer around the country – people we didn’t, and probably will never know were lifting us up. Those who have little in the way of finances sacrificed so much for us in their giving – how do you begin to thank people for that??? Friends would call and email and tell me that they wept on our behalf in their time with the Lord. They’d pray for healing on the phone with me and share my tears. They begged the Lord on our behalf, faces on the floor, before the Lord. I can’t begin to tell you what that means. I can’t begin to tell you that this journey has left a permanent mark on my heart of the goodness of the Lord and His people. Because that’s what this has taught me –His goodness and how sweet He is to me. In the time I was so caught up in my selfish anger and questioned His love, He showed up with the most tangible form of love I have ever experienced. He knew I could not receive love in any other way than what was tangible. I was so distraught that He knew the only way I could feel love was through my friends who wept with me and did life with me. They were Christ with skin on, to me. He allowed me to be on the receiving end of unimaginable financial support. When I stop to think of this, I’m overwhelmed and words just aren’t sufficient enough. Isn’t He sweet? Isn’t He good to me? Isn’t it a travesty that it took me a long time to release the anger and embrace His tangible goodness? What have I learned? I’ve learned that “He loves me, oh how He loves me so” . . . . and friends, I hope with all my heart that the next time I walk through something so darn difficult, I hold on to that truth, because that is exactly what it is . . . truth.

Last but not least a Mike update: Mike has been seizure free since June 29th!!!! I love that date J. His headaches continue to plague him and he has been vomiting several times a night for over a week. We are unsure why this is. He is scheduled to have another MRI of the pituitary tumor to ensure it is not bleeding or growing. Life is easier now that he is not falling all the time and my anxiety has eased tremendously. There is still a road ahead of us to health, but we are journeying with the tangible love of the Lord with us – all of you! May the Lord bless you and make His face to shine upon you. May you hear the sweet melodies He sings over you, and may each of you know how thankful we are to walk this journey with you, one day at a time.