prepare yourself . . .

for this is not one of those posts where I am happy and cheerful and counting my blessings and . . . you get the idea. Christmas - we spent Christmas with my family. We had a wonderful Christmas day and what I wanted more than anything was two weeks of rest. Two weeks to recharge, spend holidays with family and friends and Mike. A few days after arriving in NH Mike's seizures got worse. One night he seized at 12:45, 1, 1:15, 1:30 and 1:45 (a.m. that is) - at that point I told the Lord I had HAD IT! I had asked Him for 2 weeks of rest and was suddenly begging for 15 minutes! Mike also got the stomach flu that week and the night of the extended family Christmas party he was admitted to the hospital to kick the illness, receive meds i.v. and have a CT scan with contrast. Apparently something on his intake xray looked funny and they wanted a CT scan follow up. We were hoping it would show something to do with his adrenal glands, but alas, everything was normal once again. Mike spent three days in the hospital, and while I'd love to tell you I got great sleep, I had visions of the last time he was in the hospital and my cell rang at 3 a.m. telling me he was moved to ICU. No calls this time, but little sleep as well. An hour and a half after being discharged, Mike and I hopped on a plane to go back home. In the hospital, Mike started seizing during the day again. The good thing is he can feel them coming on. The bad thing is having seizures during the day greatly limits our ability to be out and about as well as Mike's freedom. You cannot believe the anxiety I had while in the airport and flying - praying desperately that we'd make it without any seizures. We did! Phew! We returned home on NYE and had a fire and food, just the two of us. It was bittersweet. We were home alone after being surrounded by family. Mike was wiped out by his illness and hospital stay and we were both left contemplating the year of 2010 and the coming 2011 in the quietness of our hearts. It's funny how many years I made off the cuff resolutions and barely thought of the year before with any significance, but this year . . . this year there was much to think about - about 2010 and what 2011 will bring. To be honest, I dare not hope for anything in 2011 as it will crush me if things don't come to fruition. The days following NYE were busy - me back to work and caring for Mike as he tapered off the med he's been on for so many years. The tapering did not go well (to say the least) and his levels had to be increased again. He will gradually be taken off again (more gradually than at first attempt). The two nights during the first week back to work were awful. I was up every hour with Mike for some reason or another.

I hit an all time low that Monday and Tuesday. I was in such a place of despair and overwhelment (I'm not sure that's a word) that I'm not sure I've ever been in. I was done. I was done with illnesses and doctors and work and finances and lack of sleep and anxiety and . . . . life. I was exhausted. As Mike and I laid in bed last night and talked about why were so down, I told him that I always knew in my heart things would get better - things always do get better. This is the first time in my life that I don't have any hope that things will get better. I know truth; I know Scripture; I know God loves me; I know there are those who's trials FAR exceed mine . . . . but somehow I've lost hope . . . . or maybe it's not that I've lost it, but that I dare not hope for fear of the devastating blow that will hit me in the gut when what I hope for does not become reality. I'm so tired of everything. I'm worn out. I don't know how much longer I can do this - I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm crumbling under the pressure. I read this verse last week and I couldn't have said it better: "Have mercy on me oh Lord for I am faint. Heal me Lord for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?" PS 6.


Mike update: Mike will start to decrease the med again more gradually in the next week or so. His hand tremors are particularly bad right now and his balance is horrible. He is falling a lot and this may be attributed to the steroids. Remember Mike has adrenal insufficiency and all that works for this is steroids which have many side effects. We can't take him off the steroids because his adrenals do not work without them and we cannot lower the steroids at this point because we cannot do too many medicine changes at once. He hasn't had a seizure during the day in about a week. Thank you for praying friends. Blessings.
Becka