Reunion

Last weekend, Mike and I got away to the great state of PA. It was my 10 year college reunion. Wowsers, I am old! Mike and I delayed plans until we knew how he'd be, but we went with the understanding that if Mike wasn't doing well, we'd drive right back home. We drove to Columbus and picked up one of my girlfriends and then to PA to pick up another and off the four of us went to Messiah College! I jokingly told Mike it was like having sister wives - him and three women - not sure he appreciated my humor - not sure you will either, but thought I'd share cuz I think I'm funny!!! I digress. We had a great weekend. I connected with lifelong friends. When I say lifelong, that is truly what I mean. These people mean the world to me. I care so deeply about their struggles and rejoice greatly in their blessings. It's doing life together from a distance. They have done life with us. They have read, called, emailed, come over, blessed, given, prayed, loved, encouraged . . . done life . . . .walked through our pain. There's nothing more uplifting in all this than to know that others are doing life with you. It makes the journey bearable when at times we just want to be done with life. During the reunion, I had a moment on Saturday morning when I told Mike I wanted to go home. There was this intense cloud of depression to watch all my friends moving on in life and happiness in stark contrast to my life. Please DON'T read this the wrong way - I am overjoyed with my friends' blessings in life. I pray God's sweetest and best hand on their lives . . . . but reality hits when people are fixing their houses and moving and getting new jobs and bringing up sweet children and moving on in life and you can't see anything but just getting through the day, no plans for the future. I had my depressive thoughts, had a cry and a good hug, and that was that. It was done. I was free to revel in the reunion and all the joy it brought. At the end of the weekend, my insides ached from laughing the hardest I have in a while and we went home with a happiness in our hearts. Mike did great over the weekend. He only bowed out once to sleep. He was a trooper! I so appreciated that he stayed up when he didn't feel well and it did my heart well to see him enjoying himself with good friends. You see, my friends are so accepting. They don't just love and care for me - they love and pray God's best for Mike's life too. That is sweet. It was a great and needed time.

Mike update: Mike is scheduled to see the endocrinologist tomorrow. He'll get the results of some blood tests (hormone levels) and other tests. His headaches have been off the charts bad. He's been vomiting several times during the night. One night he vomited and then passed out which freaked me the heck out! I get up with him now when he vomits in case he passes out again. Durk goes down hard as you might imagine! He has an appointment Nov 1 with the headache specialist. We don't have high hopes for this appt. His appointment to have the nasal passage cleaned out and the growth on the back of his head are set - mid and late November. Mike's mom will be here for a couple days after the nasal surgery and then my mom will be here for a couple days so I can continue to work. We'd most appreciate prayer for sleep. The headaches interrupt Mike's sleep on so many levels and it hurts me so much to see him in pain and not be able to do a darn thing about it.
It's sweet doing life with you all,
Becka

October 6

Three years ago on this day, I never would have comprehended the pain life would hold for us. I would have laughed at you had you told me I would be a blogger, only to inform others of how rough life is for us and how much suffering it entails. You see, three years ago on this day, Mike was out fishing, and he fell. We thought nothing of it that night. But then he fell again and again and again, and pretty soon life was different and heart wrenching and at times, unbearable. Three years. It's hard to comprehend even now that's it's been that long. If I could begin to communicate the utter depths of despair we have been to. If I could tell you the unending physical pain Mike has been in. If I could tell you the assault this illness and lack of answers has had on our spiritual understanding. If I could tell you the relationships that have been severed and hurtful comments we've endured: we are being punished, Mike is possessed, Mike needs to be in a psych ward, we are bad friends for not being around. Oh friends, life has not given us a choice but to pull back, because there are days we barely hold on. There are months that we are just barely surviving. Life has been at a standstill for three years. We've watched friends move on in jobs and their families have expanded. We live day to day, hospital visit to hospital visit, pain management dose to pain management dose.
Mike was up last night, in tears. I'd love to tell you this is the first time I've seen the big guy lose it, but truth be told we've both had our sets of tears, both together and on our own. There were nights after he'd fall from a seizure that we would sit on the floor together and tears and emotions would come from places we never knew were so deeply hurting.
The season we now find ourselves in, is one of hopelessness. Mike woke up last night in severe pain and sobbingly said to me, "Go back to bed. I'm sorry I woke you up. This is my life now." In three years, Mike has never lost sight of my needs. He knows I've had to be strong and there has been a lot on me. He has always understood and empathized with me about the physical and emotional toll all this has taken on me. My only prayer is that I have been understanding and loving and caring and half the helpmate he has deserved throughout all this.
Mike's words were true last night - this is life. And the question we now ask ourselves is, is this life forever, or for a season? We've seen drs, we've been to hospitals across the country. We've followed differing medicine, therapy and diet routines. We even signed up for brain surgery which was our last hope, I feel, at a better life. Mike's body has definitely deteriorated since surgery. At this point, Mike is scheduled to have sinus surgery again to clean out the cysts that have grown post surgery as well as cartilage. He is also seeing the surgeon that removed his gall bladder to have some cysts removed off the back of his head. They have been steadily growing. Mike is testing his blood sugar regularly and has received some insulin. He is following a diabetic diet as he is at risk for developing this condition, tied to the endocrine system. He has been prescribed a post cancer med to balance the estrogen levels in his body. He sees the neurosurgeon in November, and I have no idea what good that will do. He is scheduled to see a headache specialist on November first. Mike's steroids and pain meds have been increased, and we are both discouraged by this.
My fervent prayer is that we can manage Mike's symptoms, if not find an answer and cure for him. Because if life remains like this, I honestly think, what is the point? . . . . And the answer to this will always be that God is still good. I know it's been three years, but please don't forget us, friends.
Love on your families tonight. Becka