October 6

Three years ago on this day, I never would have comprehended the pain life would hold for us. I would have laughed at you had you told me I would be a blogger, only to inform others of how rough life is for us and how much suffering it entails. You see, three years ago on this day, Mike was out fishing, and he fell. We thought nothing of it that night. But then he fell again and again and again, and pretty soon life was different and heart wrenching and at times, unbearable. Three years. It's hard to comprehend even now that's it's been that long. If I could begin to communicate the utter depths of despair we have been to. If I could tell you the unending physical pain Mike has been in. If I could tell you the assault this illness and lack of answers has had on our spiritual understanding. If I could tell you the relationships that have been severed and hurtful comments we've endured: we are being punished, Mike is possessed, Mike needs to be in a psych ward, we are bad friends for not being around. Oh friends, life has not given us a choice but to pull back, because there are days we barely hold on. There are months that we are just barely surviving. Life has been at a standstill for three years. We've watched friends move on in jobs and their families have expanded. We live day to day, hospital visit to hospital visit, pain management dose to pain management dose.
Mike was up last night, in tears. I'd love to tell you this is the first time I've seen the big guy lose it, but truth be told we've both had our sets of tears, both together and on our own. There were nights after he'd fall from a seizure that we would sit on the floor together and tears and emotions would come from places we never knew were so deeply hurting.
The season we now find ourselves in, is one of hopelessness. Mike woke up last night in severe pain and sobbingly said to me, "Go back to bed. I'm sorry I woke you up. This is my life now." In three years, Mike has never lost sight of my needs. He knows I've had to be strong and there has been a lot on me. He has always understood and empathized with me about the physical and emotional toll all this has taken on me. My only prayer is that I have been understanding and loving and caring and half the helpmate he has deserved throughout all this.
Mike's words were true last night - this is life. And the question we now ask ourselves is, is this life forever, or for a season? We've seen drs, we've been to hospitals across the country. We've followed differing medicine, therapy and diet routines. We even signed up for brain surgery which was our last hope, I feel, at a better life. Mike's body has definitely deteriorated since surgery. At this point, Mike is scheduled to have sinus surgery again to clean out the cysts that have grown post surgery as well as cartilage. He is also seeing the surgeon that removed his gall bladder to have some cysts removed off the back of his head. They have been steadily growing. Mike is testing his blood sugar regularly and has received some insulin. He is following a diabetic diet as he is at risk for developing this condition, tied to the endocrine system. He has been prescribed a post cancer med to balance the estrogen levels in his body. He sees the neurosurgeon in November, and I have no idea what good that will do. He is scheduled to see a headache specialist on November first. Mike's steroids and pain meds have been increased, and we are both discouraged by this.
My fervent prayer is that we can manage Mike's symptoms, if not find an answer and cure for him. Because if life remains like this, I honestly think, what is the point? . . . . And the answer to this will always be that God is still good. I know it's been three years, but please don't forget us, friends.
Love on your families tonight. Becka