There is always something to be thankful for

Webster defines being thankful as being “conscious of benefit received”. Isn’t it true that sometimes we need to be intentionally conscious of the benefits we’ve received? Isn’t it true that amidst a complication with our kids, trouble with our spouse, hard times at work, even when we watch the news, that we need to be conscious of our benefits (blessings)? Admittedly, I just wrote to someone this week telling them that no one truly knows or understands the hell that Mike and I have walked through over the last 3 plus years. But as quickly as that comes from my mouth, so should my giving of thanks. I have been challenged to be more conscious of what I have. I’ve seen the trend on Facebook to dedicate November to a daily giving of thanks. I didn’t jump on that train, but I should have. What a better way to be more positive and appreciative of what I have in life, than to be intentionally conscious of the benefits I’ve received. So here goes; 22 things Mike and I are thankful for:

1. our house (We have no right to own this house with all the financial strain over the years; It’s God’s provision that has allowed us to keep our home)

2. friends who have continued to do life with us, despite our consistent need to back out of plans due to the illness. Shout out to Jill and Kent Schellhause who continue to serve, love and support us.

3. our dogs – They fill me with joy. It is so nice to walk in and be greeted by two sweet spirits. They are great company for Mike throughout the days he is alone.

4. Mike is very thankful for me (his addition, not mine)

5. Blessings in the mail. Seriously, there have been days we have been SO down, and the Lord has continually blessed us through the mail. A friend, a family member, someone we don’t know, sends encouragement. It’s enough to bring me to tears every time.

6. I am personally thankful for my trainer. She encourages me to push harder, and in life’s current struggles, I need to be encouraged to push harder, to endure. She also provides tremendous comic and stress relief. Thanks, Swig!

7. The Voice – this show is date night for Mike and me – a fire, some chocolate, and 2 hours of singing. We currently have a bet going as to the finals. I’m losing. Ahem

8. Sleep – We’re not parents, but every wink of sleep that is uninterrupted by seizures, vomiting, passing out, trouble breathing, overactive thoughts – it is blissful, just blissful.

9. Speaking of seizures – WELL OVER A YEAR OF BEING SEIZURE FREE!

10. My principal – admin can make or break your workplace, and my principal has always told me “family first”. He has stuck to that the last 4 yrs I have worked with him. He continues to ask, “How’s Mike?”, and I know he means it every time. Thanks, Rob.

11. Health insurance – enough said

12. A new church we are really enjoying. It’s nice to go and receive week after week.

13. Living in a free country – I’m never reminded more of this than at the time of an election and Veterans’ Day

14. Changing seasons – Mike and I love the changing seasons. We love the color of the leaves, the smell of our freshly cut tree, the new growth and warm weather of spring – love the seasons.

15. Chocolate – for me, Dove; for Mike, Snickers peanut butter (had to make the list)

16. Music – there are few things that speak so deeply to me – Music has the power to alter my mood. True story. Good thing I’m picky about what I listen to!

17. A marriage that has sustained some serious lows in life. We had no idea what we were committing to when we said “for better for worse; in sickness, in health”

18. Every breath – each one is a gift

19. I am personally thankful for a husband who continues to fight the good fight. I highly doubt I would have kept my sense of humor or my desire to live after such a long battle with illness.

20. Family – how do I begin to put into words how thankful I am for family? We will NEVER take for granted the continued love and support of family. I am well aware we are blessed.

21. The legacy left by Mike’s grandmother. She passed a few weeks ago. Mike was able to spend the last days with her, and he conducted a beautiful ceremony in celebration of her life. She was a wild spirit who shared my affinity for red hair. She loved her family so very much. She will be missed greatly.

22. I posted this on FB on the eve of the election, and I think it’s a good way to end this post: “In thinking about tomorrow, and all the fears and concerns that so many hold, the thought that came to me today was, regardless of what happens, I know who's king of kings and president of presidents ... And perhaps the most comforting is that I know, no matter what happens tomorrow, the one Who's really in charge has got my back, holds my life and predestines my steps. The last 3 yrs+ have taught me that again and again.”

Happy turkey day, friends. We’re very thankful for you.

goodness

Truth be told, I’ve been writing this and coming back to it for a little over a week. I’m not sure the reason I’m struggling to write, but pardon my disjointed thoughts. Not much has happened medically since I last updated. Mike and I had colds 7 weeks ago, and what you and I can fight in a week, Mike’s body takes weeks longer. He was put on antibiotics for pneumonia (although we don’t think he had that) and has just recovered. He has not been able to start the new medication as of yet, because he has to be in optimal health to begin. The medication will wipe out what little immune system he has, and he needs to start when he is as “healthy” as possible. While the cold/virus subsided last week, the headaches have intensified. The start of spring and fall are typically triggers for more intense headaches for Mike. He loses sight out of his left eye, does not drive, and he is only out of pain when he is asleep. He tries hard to stay awake, despite the pain, to keep his sleep schedule in tact. I have to tell you there are many things that have broken my heart as a wife watching her husband persevere through this, but the return of the intense headaches means the return of emotional and physical agony. Perhaps you think agony is a strong word, but to hear Mike sob through the pain at night . . . . there is agony in my heart on an emotional level, and physical agony for Mike. When Mike is healthy enough, his blood will be tested again, and he will start the new med. Would you pray fervently that he stays healthy, his bloodwork is fine, and that this new medical endeavor would bring healing?

 I was driving this past weekend and thinking about life. The truth is, I have been given much that others don't have and on the other hand, what Mike and I have lost in the last few years, few can identify with us. Thoughts of blessing and loss typically lead me to Justice. That dog loved to go for rides and enjoyed life with us. His care for Mike and loyalty to me were practically implausible . . . and before you know it, there were tears. I did love that dog! When I came home that afternoon, Mike started talking about Justice as well and the timing of his loss. When Justice died, I was mad. It was one more thing I had lost; one more thing God had taken. Let’s not forget he was diagnosed with cancer on Christmas Eve and gone 4 days later. As the months have passed and my emotions have been challenged, truth is where I find myself. The truth is that there is goodness. Because the Lord is good and loves us more than we can comprehend, there is goodness in circumstances that seem awful. You see, Justice made the decision to go. I didn't have to make that hard call. Justice went when we were with my parents, and my dad was the one to put him down. I wanted no one else to do that. Justice went in dad's care, and that is what I wanted. He also had a great Christmas and subsequent days, and I had hope that there was treatment on the horizon. Dad and I had talked on Christmas Eve about meds that may help Justice. This birthed tremendous hope in me, and Christmas was joyful. My immediate reaction to Justice's death was anger, because I had put aside truth. Yes, Justice went quickly, but dad was there and I didn't have to decide to put Justice down. Yes, I was given hope that we may be able to treat him, and then he passed days later, but Christmas was joyous. And the memories I am left with . . . . well, it’s easy to identify the goodness there.

 But what about the times there is no goodness? What about the times nothing good has come of a situation? Here is the challenge. Here has been my endless challenge in these past years. Where is the TRUTH? The truth is God is good, and if He authors life’s circumstances, there is goodness there, despite what we see. Think right now of life’s most complicated circumstance . . . can you see goodness?

 Would you pray for Mike’s pain to ease? Would you pray for the start of the new medication? Would you pray for his grandmother who is not well? And would you pray for us to see goodness in all things as a result of what we hold to be true? Bless you, friends.

back to reality

I know, I know; take me outback and tar and feather me. It's been a looong time since I have updated this, and I know you have been waiting with baited breath to know what the heck is going on with the Durkees! Rest assured I haven't forgotten you; I just lost track of time. Summer, you see, is blissful. I have been tutoring, reconnecting with friends, planning future times with friends, training and completing a sprint triathlon, vacationing at the beach, spending time with family . . . . ahhhhh, good old summer. Monday I have a teachers' inservice day and the kids come Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday. So it's back to reality and back to blogging and back to fighting this illness with a new direction. Mike has been weaned off of the Prednisone, the med that has been addressing his endocrine issues. Prednisone has a lot of side effects especially with long term use. As he weaned off of the Prednisone, he was put back on Cortef, a med he was on to address the endocrine issues. Unfortunately, Mike feels better on the Prednisone. He had an MRI of his pituitary (part of the endocrine system that sits in your brain) and since the surgery last summer, the pituitary has not grown or changed shape. This is a good thing. Mike's endocrine levels, however, are low. When switching to the Cortef, hormone levels decreased, headaches increased and in the last few weeks Mike has had 2 new symptoms - joint point in his whole body and significant swelling of the ankles. You'd think he were 8 months prego! I digress. At this point, doctors are in disagreement as to whether Mike has this autoimmune disease that is attacking his endocrine system. He has many of the symptoms and his primary dr in Cincinnati has talked with us about treating Mike with a med that often helps with this disease. Because there aren't many risks associated with this medication, we have decided to go ahead with it. Mike will have blood levels checked and then he will start this new chemo drug. This should be in the next week. We are cautiously hopeful this will help Mike feel better and put this disease in "remission" for lack of a better word. Our prayer requests are specific. 1)minimal side effects from the medication; 2) that it works. Thank you to all of you who continue to pray, believe, hope and fight with us. Your longsuffering means more to us than you know.

Sympathy Pains

So apparently, I have the need to feel Mike's pain in a VERY miniscule way. Mike had a funky lump removed from his chest, I had a growing mole removed from my face . . . both results normal. Mike has passed 4 stones at a time, I passed one yesterday. In a small way, I feel like these experiences keep me connected to the pain he feels and REMINDS me of the battle he fights every day. This has been my prayer - that my sympathy and empathy continue for Mike, that my mind remembers the daily pain he faces, that I would not lose sight of the compassion I had for him through the suffering when all this started years ago. Today, there is good news. Today, I am thankful for a strong man who is battling this far better than I could ever hope to. Don't forget us, friends. Don't forget to give thanks for released stones and negative biopsies! Please pray for Mike as he is having a hard time healing from surgery and sees the surgeon tomorrow. This comes as no surprise as his body has a very poor ability to heal due to the endocrine issues. He follows up with the dr in Boston in May for more scans of the pituitary, possible sinus surgery and hopefully a direction for treatment. Love to you all!

under the knife . . . again

Tomorrow morning, Mike is undergoing a procedure to take out a lump in his chest that was found. We have no idea what it is or if it is related to what has been going on, but it will be removed and biopsied. The surgery is at Christ Hospital here in Cincy and should be a relatively easy procedure. If all goes well, Mike will be home tomorrow night. He does run the risk of not handling things well with his body's poor ability to heal, but we are hoping for the best tomorrow.

There is much to tell about the dr in Boston, but I will sum up the important stuff. My dad was able to go with Mike which made things easier as dad understands all that medical jargon. When mom and I go, we shake our heads and ask them to fix it! HA! The dr took his time with Mike and asked many questions and ordered tests and Mike's case interests him. Mike is returning to Boston in May to possibly have sinus surgery (clean up from this summer's brain surgery when they went through the nose) and MRI of the pituitary gland now that Mike has decreased his steroids as well as an MRI of his abdomen. The dr suggested an inflammatory disease in more parts of Mike's body than his endocrine system as Mike has pain in other places now. In any case, nothing clear cut, but someone who has taken an interest and seems knowledgeable. I will update again when the biopsy results are in. Please pray for the procedure and an easy recovery as well as good biopsy results. I'll let you know as soon as we know!

Onward and Upward

Just a quick update for you. Tomorrow I am headed on a week trip with my mom and sister. We are going to warm climates where beaches abound. I can't tell you how thankful I am for family who make this happen for me and have loved on us in SO many ways through all this. Mike and I drive to NY where I get on a boat, and he gets on a bus. Mike will go to NH to be with my dad and NH friends for the week. He is also seeing a new endocrinologist in Boston. This dr was rated in the top 1% by US News and Word Report for knowledge of and treatment of pituitary diseases. He just started to see patients, and Mike will see him next Friday. Would you pray for this appointment, please? Thank you friends! See you in a week or so!
Becka

ch-ch-ch-changes

Well it's been entirely too long, but haven't known what to tell you. Mike's trip to John's Hopkins hasn't led to any life-changing news for us. He's had several blood draws over the last couple months and his levels are all over the place again. He is on a blood sugar med to help his body regulate his numbers as that seems to be the latest organ affected. His hormone levels indicate a growth hormone that is off the charts high. The answer from John's Hopkins? Let's retest in 6 months. His last blood draw indicated a pituitary tumor . . . . ummm, been down that road - wasn't there. Mike's current endocrinologist has told him she does not know where to go with him and referred him to a rheumatologist for inflammation, thinking the pituitary swelling is the issue. Mike's on a new med for this - not helping. Mike's prednisone levels have also been dropped as the doctor at John's Hopkins wants Mike's levels dropped to retest him for the rare autoimmune endocrine disease that is suspected by doctors in Cincinnati. Unfortunately, a drop in prednisone, the only thing that keeps Mike's endocrine system working, means increased pain which leads to vomiting and passing out and increased pain meds. The last few weeks have been exhausting. Mike is in a lot of pain, up most of the night, vomits frequently, and he is now passing out from pain. This leads to a loss of freedom - no stairs, stove, knives, walking with glass, driving . . . and more sedentary so as not to fall. If I could tell you the stress this has induced on both of us . . . the toll it's taken on us personally and in marriage. It feels like so many steps backwards. We both feel like if there isn't a "plan", there is no movement toward answers or progress or better quality of life. When Mike's endocrinologist gave up on him, he researched other reputable endocrinologists and found one ranked number one in the country with one of the specialties being pituitary diseases. This dr just started seeing patients, and Mike has secured an appointment in three weeks in Boston. You'll remember my parents live up there and he will stay with them and dad will be on Boston run duty. Perhaps a highly ranked endo and the best vet I know, can figure Mike out! We are thankful Mike got the appointment, and beyond that, we will take what comes. One more thing - Mike has an appointment mid April to have a lump removed from his chest - something that was found months ago. Surgery can be risky due to the endocrine issues, but the lump has to be removed. How can you pray??
Pray for the surgery in April and the results of the biopsy
Pray for Mike to get a break in headaches and vomiting and passing out.
Pray for our marriage to endure through all life throws at us.
Pray for SLEEP! We're both exhausted.
Pray for the appointment with the new endocrinologist in Boston.

Sorry it's been so long, friends. Love to you all for not giving up on us.
Becka

delay (1/13/12)

It's been a while - haven't known what to write because I don't know where we are or where we go or if life ever stops hurting. I feel bombarded by hurt - like every time I turn around there it is again, like an old acquaintance I should be so used to, but hate to see again -and can't emotionally deal with it every time it comes around. sigh . . .what to tell you . . . .Mike went to MD. Cincinnati drs gave us real hope that a diagnosis might be in sight. They talked of a case just like Mike's many yrs ago and a guru of the disease and this dr was talking with the Cincy drs and was very interested in Mike's case. So Mike went. Mike did not see the "guru" as he only does research, but Mike saw his associate, and he was told "you're one of the most complicated cases we've ever seen". We're aware - but thanks for the memo (little sarcasm there). It came down to funky unexplainable bloodwork, no real answer for headaches - just things to try, a reduction of prednisone and no diagnosis. Mike was tested for the rare disease, but was told his prednisone was likely throwing the numbers off and a decrease was necessary to retest. The dr was concerned about the high level Mike was on, but with a decrease in prednisone comes the reality of Mike's body's inability to keep him healthy - kidney stones, high fevers, raging headaches, abscesses, sleepless nights due to headaches and vomiting and passing out and a general beat up feeling are what Mike has been dealing with since the decrease in prednisone. Mike said to me last week, "I wish He'd either take me or heal me." My response was that no one would blame him for feeling that way - sometimes that's how I need to respond - not "cheer up" or "this'll be figured out", or "tomorrow will be better" - but I can totally understand why he would feel that way.

And what about me . . . . here's what I just don't get right now. I've battled with the Lord many times through all this, and this is my current and strongest battle- why the false hope???? Why the seemingly open doors and possible answers and things that have appeared to us, granted in our own human minds, to be gifts and God ordained appointments, only to be disappointed again and again and again. I'm just being real here, friends. Is it so we "keep the faith"? Is it so we know He's real? Is it so we learn some lesson we are just too hard headed to see?

So perhaps this is what life is - me working to support my family and carry insurance - Mike being on disability and being sick for the rest of his life - us fulfilling a caretaker/patient role for the rest of our married lives - at 32 and 35, that looks pretty grim, but perhaps it's reality. We've held out hope that something somewhere would come about - but when do you stop hoping and start accepting that this is life? When does this unknown illness become more serious and what would we even do about it and will it ever? I totally hear creation groaning sometimes and it's hard to rise above.

I will end with this. Two weeks ago, the Wednesday after Christmas, we lost our sweet Shepherd. I can hear some of you, " It's a dog, get over it". Allow me some perspective sharing here. When I moved to Cincinnati, I knew no one, had no job, was home by myself a lot as Mike was working. Justice was my company. He followed me, he walked with me, he ate with me, he watched me, he took charge of me. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't question that dog would give his life for me in a minute. Shepherd loyalty is unbelievable. When Mike was seizing, and I was at work, Justice stayed by Mike's side to lick him when he woke up so Mike would know someone was there with him. When Mike was seizing hard, Justice would put his head on Mike's legs in an attempt to get them to stop shaking. When Mike and I had had our fill of life and we would sit and cry, Justice would sit with us. When we went to bed, me in our room and Mike in the chair so as not to keep me up with seizing, Justice would lie equidistantly between us, to ensure he could watch us both. You may also remember that I talked about losing yet another thing in life and how much that would hurt and how I didn't know if I could handle it . . . .Justice was family, friend, caretaker and protector all in one. It hurts every day he's gone, every day I walk in the door and he's not there, delighted to see me. My enlightenment in thinking about his life has been this. Justice's character reminds me that God is our Shepherd, and perhaps, in all those times Justice was there, God was too, and I needed a tangible presence.