Wanna Get Away

We all remember this ad slogan from Southwest Airlines. It starts with a person in a bad situation and then the ad breaks with Wanna Get Away? Next thing you know that person is boarding a plane going to some place nice.....but what about when you cant get away? I have driven twice in a year and a half and the rest of the time I have relied on other people to take me where I want to go. We all joke about it being Mikey's daily outing. I have to be honest sometimes that hurts. I remember when I could come and go when I pleased...that's not a right but I miss that privilege. So what happens when you cant get away, you have to stay where you are no matter what? I think that's when God does surgery. I feel like I am having open heart surgery. I am asked often what do I wake up for, what is my purpose each day? I believe God has given me this time to grow up. Grow up as a husband. Learn how to be a husband and what it means to truly serve Rebecca. For the first 6 and a half years Becka served me and I took it for granted. I had no clue what it was to be a husband. In many ways I still don't, but that's my number 1 purpose right now. Please pray for us. Not me but us, and not about just the illness but us. Not about just getting better for me but my number 1 purpose. Wanna Get Away..... Not a Chance. Want to learn to be a better husband and a mature 34 year old man? Absolutely!




Thanks for reading,
Mike

wrestling

Went to church this weekend. It was a new church for us – and what was the topic, you ask? It was suffering vs a loving God – I chuckled out loud a little. The church is doing a series about the big issues that many struggle with in the realm of Christianity. I thought the wrestling analogy was a good one – very appropriate for the way I feel. The message was from Job. The pastor opened with prayer and listed various sufferings – illness (check), loss of employment (check), and loss of a loved one. Can I tell you I have missed my grandparents SO much this week. I have seen little old ladies in the grocery store and started crying; I was watching a show where the bride had her grandfather walk her down the aisle – I cried; I flipped through my pictures on facebook and cried when I saw my grandparents. Their death is so final to me – I don’t know if this is typical of grieving – this feeling of finality and the feeling that I could cry at anytime months after they are gone.

Needless to say, the topic and opening prayer caught my attention in church. At the end of the service, the pastor asked us to sing the song that talks about the Lord giving and the Lord taking away and choosing to say in our heart of hearts, BLESSED be the name of the Lord despite our situation and what God allows. Lately I’ve truly been thinking about the words I’m singing in church – I haven’t always wanted to sing these words in my time of “wrestling” – just bein honest. The pastor asked us to sing it in faith. I found that at my core, I can still sing in faith that no matter what happens, God is sovereign. One of my greatest fears throughout all this, and I think I’ve shared this before, is that my heart would be hardened, because most of the time I operate on autopilot – feeling little and just getting through the day. It was reassuring to me that I was indeed able to sing that with “faith”.

Today I’d like to ask you to pray for another family. We have been bathed in prayer by SOOOO many and have been SOOOOO blessed by it, that we’re asking you uphold the Belanger family this week. They gave birth to, and subsequently lost their first little girl, Ashlyn Rose, this week. No doubt they will be doing a lot of wrestling . . . .
One more thought to leave you with – a story I heard on the radio this past week. There was a group of men who left their village for the fishing season. On their scheduled return, there was no sign of them. The village was devastated – fearing they lost their father, sons, uncles, friends. A few nights after the scheduled return, there was a great storm. One of the houses in the village was struck by lightning and caught fire. Everything was lost. The next morning, the village awoke with great joy in their hearts as they saw the ships, carrying their men, on the horizon, heading home. As the men got off the boats, the woman whose house had burnt met her husband in utter despair – crying to him and telling him everything was gone. He smiled to her and said, “Rejoice in the fire for it was the light of the flames that lit our way home”. The question that followed was an interesting one – What tragedy has God allowed in your life to usher in blessing?

purpose

I've been talking to many lately, and one theme I've continually heard is purpose. You may recall this summer Mike went without seizing for over 90 days and we were thrilled! We assumed we were at the end of all this - after all, the neurologists we have seen far and wide have said the brain can do funny things, and one day it can just go back to being "normal" and Mike may stop seizing. We indeed thought that his brain had gone back to normal and life would too. And now here we find ourselves. The challenging steps to this journey have left us feeling almost every imaginable emotion: loss, grief, sadness, discouragement, disbelief, doubt, anger, rage, overwhelment, despair, depression so deep it makes you long for the other side . . . . . and when you deal with so much over a long period of time (what seems to us to be forever) you start asking the tough questions. You ask questions about life, about love, about God, about purpose. And in my conversations with others, I've come to realize we're not the only ones dealing with the question of purpose - be it purpose behind a situation or a search for purpose in life. We are dealing with both - how many times I have laid next to Mike at night, having him beat my hands in place of his head during a seizure and wondered "what is the purpose of this?" "What is God doing?" "How is this furthering the kingdom as I silently scream at the heavens at all hours of the night?" On Mike's end there is the question of purpose in life. He can't drive, he avoids stairs, he is not stabile enough in his health to hold down a job, he is limited at making any kind of commitment due to the up and down roller coaster that this journey has allowed. So what is the purpose for him? What is it he is accomplishing by sitting at home day in and day out, doing housework while I work to keep us afloat? He accomplishes a clean house which makes me happy, but how are we advancing the kingdom? How is it that the silent struggle in the confines of our house is making any difference in the grand scheme of bringing God the glory? Perhaps it is to rejoice with many if this ever resolves. Perhaps it is to walk through hard times with another when they deal with something similar. Perhaps we won't see purpose until the other side . . . . . and some days I'm not okay with that - just being honest. Some days I'm so done with all this and so down, and SO exhausted that I want purpose to show itself, but maybe it won't this side of heaven, and that's something I'll have to come to terms with. There is a song by Rita Springer that talks about the pain in life and how it'll all be worth it at the sight of the Savior's face. In my own selfishness, I desire that I see purpose before my time is up on earth. . . . but it may not.
So while I look for purpose and ask my hard questions, my responsibility remains faithfulness to the Lord and faithfulness to wedding vows I said years ago about sickness and health and good times and bad . . . and perhaps those are the purposes I should focus on now, because they are enough and I fail at that them daily!

We still await test results. Mike went to the hospital this week to have bloodwork done because some of his levels were off, and while there he had a seizure. He hasn't had a seizure during the day in about a month - they always seem like a BIG step back to us. Surprisingly, the hospital didn't keep Mike - wouldn't do any good anyway. I was thankful he came home. Mike's dad was visiting this week and helped with projects around the house. We were grateful for that. Mike has one more med adjustment until he is off the medication he has been on for years. This withdrawal has not been for the faint of heart! Every time he goes down, we never know what to expect - each milligram decrease brings another weird and difficult symptom - this decrease has brought vomiting, but only at night which is SUPER helpful for the lack of sleep we already receive! I am starting week 2 of awful craziness at work. I have 6 HUGE projects culminating this week and need every ounce of sleep I can get.

Keep praying friends. Longsuffering is not for the weak of heart, and I may be weak as this is taking everything out of me . . . sigh . . . blessings to you all!

one day at a time

Thought an update might be in order, although there's little to say. Mike continues to come off the meds and a week after he decreases the med, he goes seizure free for about 4 -5 days which has been a nice rest for us. No idea why this is, but seizures always come back, so time will tell whether this medication is contributing to the overall issues Mike is having. Sleep has been restored for the breaks in seizure activity he has had. That's a praise!
I have been feeling particularly attacked at work on all sides and that has left me thinking about next year and how much longer I can juggle a high stress job and high stress home situation. One thing is for sure - I am thankful for steady work and health insurance!
Another praise this week was a $200 donation at the end of this month - guess what we were short for bills . . . $197. He continues to provide for us, and I am guilty of not giving enough praise for that. The plan for us right now is taper off this med, see the homeopathic doctor, and then options are pretty much spent. If none of this brings relief, we have some decisions to make and future planning to discuss . . . . but I'm not there yet . . . .I'm having a little panic attack just thinking about that - one day at a time, one day at a time