purpose

I've been talking to many lately, and one theme I've continually heard is purpose. You may recall this summer Mike went without seizing for over 90 days and we were thrilled! We assumed we were at the end of all this - after all, the neurologists we have seen far and wide have said the brain can do funny things, and one day it can just go back to being "normal" and Mike may stop seizing. We indeed thought that his brain had gone back to normal and life would too. And now here we find ourselves. The challenging steps to this journey have left us feeling almost every imaginable emotion: loss, grief, sadness, discouragement, disbelief, doubt, anger, rage, overwhelment, despair, depression so deep it makes you long for the other side . . . . . and when you deal with so much over a long period of time (what seems to us to be forever) you start asking the tough questions. You ask questions about life, about love, about God, about purpose. And in my conversations with others, I've come to realize we're not the only ones dealing with the question of purpose - be it purpose behind a situation or a search for purpose in life. We are dealing with both - how many times I have laid next to Mike at night, having him beat my hands in place of his head during a seizure and wondered "what is the purpose of this?" "What is God doing?" "How is this furthering the kingdom as I silently scream at the heavens at all hours of the night?" On Mike's end there is the question of purpose in life. He can't drive, he avoids stairs, he is not stabile enough in his health to hold down a job, he is limited at making any kind of commitment due to the up and down roller coaster that this journey has allowed. So what is the purpose for him? What is it he is accomplishing by sitting at home day in and day out, doing housework while I work to keep us afloat? He accomplishes a clean house which makes me happy, but how are we advancing the kingdom? How is it that the silent struggle in the confines of our house is making any difference in the grand scheme of bringing God the glory? Perhaps it is to rejoice with many if this ever resolves. Perhaps it is to walk through hard times with another when they deal with something similar. Perhaps we won't see purpose until the other side . . . . . and some days I'm not okay with that - just being honest. Some days I'm so done with all this and so down, and SO exhausted that I want purpose to show itself, but maybe it won't this side of heaven, and that's something I'll have to come to terms with. There is a song by Rita Springer that talks about the pain in life and how it'll all be worth it at the sight of the Savior's face. In my own selfishness, I desire that I see purpose before my time is up on earth. . . . but it may not.
So while I look for purpose and ask my hard questions, my responsibility remains faithfulness to the Lord and faithfulness to wedding vows I said years ago about sickness and health and good times and bad . . . and perhaps those are the purposes I should focus on now, because they are enough and I fail at that them daily!

We still await test results. Mike went to the hospital this week to have bloodwork done because some of his levels were off, and while there he had a seizure. He hasn't had a seizure during the day in about a month - they always seem like a BIG step back to us. Surprisingly, the hospital didn't keep Mike - wouldn't do any good anyway. I was thankful he came home. Mike's dad was visiting this week and helped with projects around the house. We were grateful for that. Mike has one more med adjustment until he is off the medication he has been on for years. This withdrawal has not been for the faint of heart! Every time he goes down, we never know what to expect - each milligram decrease brings another weird and difficult symptom - this decrease has brought vomiting, but only at night which is SUPER helpful for the lack of sleep we already receive! I am starting week 2 of awful craziness at work. I have 6 HUGE projects culminating this week and need every ounce of sleep I can get.

Keep praying friends. Longsuffering is not for the weak of heart, and I may be weak as this is taking everything out of me . . . sigh . . . blessings to you all!