Sunday, January 23, 2011
quick update
Not much new to tell - it's been another week of frustration and tears and exhaustion. Mike continues to taper off his medicine and we are awaiting test results ordered by the homeopathic doctor. Once the results are in hand, Mike will see him. I did have the opportunity to go to an early morning workout today and then breakfast with a friend. I reaaaalllllyyyy needed to get out of the house, and it was so nice to sit and talk about others, rather than the constant talk about what's going on with us. I now jokingly tell people at work who ask how I am that "I'm livin the dream!". They laugh, so do I, and it's a good way to keep from getting into things. I do feel like Mike and I have reached the place where we are on autopilot - taking one day at a time - operating like robots - doing the things that need to be done and not much else. I've been fearful that this long time of suffering and the quietness I feel from the Lord is turning me into a bitter, uncaring person. I feel so detached emotionally from most things. But then I heard from a good friend this week that she is pregnant - which has long been something her heart has desired - and I screamed for joy for her - it felt so good to rejoice in another's blessing. Her words to me were, "This is reason to hope, Rebecca Lynn". And perhaps it is . . . .
Monday, January 10, 2011
prepare yourself . . .
for this is not one of those posts where I am happy and cheerful and counting my blessings and . . . you get the idea. Christmas - we spent Christmas with my family. We had a wonderful Christmas day and what I wanted more than anything was two weeks of rest. Two weeks to recharge, spend holidays with family and friends and Mike. A few days after arriving in NH Mike's seizures got worse. One night he seized at 12:45, 1, 1:15, 1:30 and 1:45 (a.m. that is) - at that point I told the Lord I had HAD IT! I had asked Him for 2 weeks of rest and was suddenly begging for 15 minutes! Mike also got the stomach flu that week and the night of the extended family Christmas party he was admitted to the hospital to kick the illness, receive meds i.v. and have a CT scan with contrast. Apparently something on his intake xray looked funny and they wanted a CT scan follow up. We were hoping it would show something to do with his adrenal glands, but alas, everything was normal once again. Mike spent three days in the hospital, and while I'd love to tell you I got great sleep, I had visions of the last time he was in the hospital and my cell rang at 3 a.m. telling me he was moved to ICU. No calls this time, but little sleep as well. An hour and a half after being discharged, Mike and I hopped on a plane to go back home. In the hospital, Mike started seizing during the day again. The good thing is he can feel them coming on. The bad thing is having seizures during the day greatly limits our ability to be out and about as well as Mike's freedom. You cannot believe the anxiety I had while in the airport and flying - praying desperately that we'd make it without any seizures. We did! Phew! We returned home on NYE and had a fire and food, just the two of us. It was bittersweet. We were home alone after being surrounded by family. Mike was wiped out by his illness and hospital stay and we were both left contemplating the year of 2010 and the coming 2011 in the quietness of our hearts. It's funny how many years I made off the cuff resolutions and barely thought of the year before with any significance, but this year . . . this year there was much to think about - about 2010 and what 2011 will bring. To be honest, I dare not hope for anything in 2011 as it will crush me if things don't come to fruition. The days following NYE were busy - me back to work and caring for Mike as he tapered off the med he's been on for so many years. The tapering did not go well (to say the least) and his levels had to be increased again. He will gradually be taken off again (more gradually than at first attempt). The two nights during the first week back to work were awful. I was up every hour with Mike for some reason or another.
I hit an all time low that Monday and Tuesday. I was in such a place of despair and overwhelment (I'm not sure that's a word) that I'm not sure I've ever been in. I was done. I was done with illnesses and doctors and work and finances and lack of sleep and anxiety and . . . . life. I was exhausted. As Mike and I laid in bed last night and talked about why were so down, I told him that I always knew in my heart things would get better - things always do get better. This is the first time in my life that I don't have any hope that things will get better. I know truth; I know Scripture; I know God loves me; I know there are those who's trials FAR exceed mine . . . . but somehow I've lost hope . . . . or maybe it's not that I've lost it, but that I dare not hope for fear of the devastating blow that will hit me in the gut when what I hope for does not become reality. I'm so tired of everything. I'm worn out. I don't know how much longer I can do this - I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm crumbling under the pressure. I read this verse last week and I couldn't have said it better: "Have mercy on me oh Lord for I am faint. Heal me Lord for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?" PS 6.
Mike update: Mike will start to decrease the med again more gradually in the next week or so. His hand tremors are particularly bad right now and his balance is horrible. He is falling a lot and this may be attributed to the steroids. Remember Mike has adrenal insufficiency and all that works for this is steroids which have many side effects. We can't take him off the steroids because his adrenals do not work without them and we cannot lower the steroids at this point because we cannot do too many medicine changes at once. He hasn't had a seizure during the day in about a week. Thank you for praying friends. Blessings.
Becka
I hit an all time low that Monday and Tuesday. I was in such a place of despair and overwhelment (I'm not sure that's a word) that I'm not sure I've ever been in. I was done. I was done with illnesses and doctors and work and finances and lack of sleep and anxiety and . . . . life. I was exhausted. As Mike and I laid in bed last night and talked about why were so down, I told him that I always knew in my heart things would get better - things always do get better. This is the first time in my life that I don't have any hope that things will get better. I know truth; I know Scripture; I know God loves me; I know there are those who's trials FAR exceed mine . . . . but somehow I've lost hope . . . . or maybe it's not that I've lost it, but that I dare not hope for fear of the devastating blow that will hit me in the gut when what I hope for does not become reality. I'm so tired of everything. I'm worn out. I don't know how much longer I can do this - I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm crumbling under the pressure. I read this verse last week and I couldn't have said it better: "Have mercy on me oh Lord for I am faint. Heal me Lord for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?" PS 6.
Mike update: Mike will start to decrease the med again more gradually in the next week or so. His hand tremors are particularly bad right now and his balance is horrible. He is falling a lot and this may be attributed to the steroids. Remember Mike has adrenal insufficiency and all that works for this is steroids which have many side effects. We can't take him off the steroids because his adrenals do not work without them and we cannot lower the steroids at this point because we cannot do too many medicine changes at once. He hasn't had a seizure during the day in about a week. Thank you for praying friends. Blessings.
Becka
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Quick Update from Liz
Hey Everyone,
Mike and Becka made it back safely to Cincy. Mike was released from the hospital about an hour before we left for the airport. All of his test results came back fine (CT scan with contrast and blood cultures). Because Mike was in the hospital for much of his time in NH, we did not get a new picture for the blog. Hopefully they will be able to get one at home sometime.
Since home, Mike has continued to seize during the day. Please pray for them to feel strengthened and for the the seizures to be controlled. Seizures are very tiring on the body, and the medications he is on add to his exhaustion.
Happy New Year to everyone! As a family, we look to this year with anticipation and hope, knowing He is in control.
Mike and Becka made it back safely to Cincy. Mike was released from the hospital about an hour before we left for the airport. All of his test results came back fine (CT scan with contrast and blood cultures). Because Mike was in the hospital for much of his time in NH, we did not get a new picture for the blog. Hopefully they will be able to get one at home sometime.
Since home, Mike has continued to seize during the day. Please pray for them to feel strengthened and for the the seizures to be controlled. Seizures are very tiring on the body, and the medications he is on add to his exhaustion.
Happy New Year to everyone! As a family, we look to this year with anticipation and hope, knowing He is in control.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I'm so sick of hospitals
That's right, I'm SO sick of hospitals - no pun intended - get it? - sick . . . hospitals. I digress. Well, Mike was admitted last night to get all of his meds i.v and it took forever. He wasn't admitted until 5a.m. Hospitals, ugh. The ER dr honestly said to him, "I know nothing about adrenal insufficiency." Are ya serious? Well, after I googled the number for the on call dr. in Cincy who sees Mike, he did indeed receive his meds, and all other meds i.v. Seizures haven't been too bad despite the flu, and Mike ate dinner tonight and kept it down . . . and in (TMI?) He couldn't have the CT done today b/c he was too nauseas to drink all the contrast. He just texted me, and it is all down and he's ready for it tomorrow. Mike's dr., the hospitalist, is very nice. He spent a lot of time with Mike and asked a lot of good qsts. He has knowledge of adrenal insufficiency (bonus). He ordered some tests Mike hasn't yet had (if that's even possible) and those results, along with the CT scan results, we will receive tomorrow. I reiterated to the nurse that we had to be on a plane Thursday night. Mike, and perhaps my parents, are nervous he won't make it. But, they both are determined to get him on that plane!!! My parents jokingly asked if I were dropping Mike off with them when we arrived. Have I done that before?! In all seriousness, they love having him and he loves staying with them, but we all prefer him in Cincinnati where he belongs. So, tomorrow brings more test results and hopefully a discharge from the hospital, because by golly, we have a plane to catch!!!! Would you pray that the tests results shed light on what is going on, please? Thanks, friends.
Becka
Becka
Monday, December 27, 2010
Quick Update
**Update: Mike is being admitted to the hospital. The doctor did not give us a real clear answer why. However, he will be in good hands tonight and receive his meds through IV.
Hello friends,
Becka's sister, Liz, here to give a quick update. Mike and Becka are here in NH. Unfortunately, Mike has come down with the stomach bug. The three of us are heading out to the ER momentarily. Mike will need his meds through IV. We are praying this will be a quick trip without complications.
Thank you for praying and standing behind Mike and Becka in all this. You have been faithful in prayer and support, for which we are all so thankful and blessed.
Hello friends,
Becka's sister, Liz, here to give a quick update. Mike and Becka are here in NH. Unfortunately, Mike has come down with the stomach bug. The three of us are heading out to the ER momentarily. Mike will need his meds through IV. We are praying this will be a quick trip without complications.
Thank you for praying and standing behind Mike and Becka in all this. You have been faithful in prayer and support, for which we are all so thankful and blessed.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
disbelief and wonder
First of all, a promise - a new blog picture with more season appropriate attire - coming soon to a blog near you.
So every year I read through the Christmas story a few times and try to see things through the eyes of the characters God saw fit to play a role in this amazing and eternity-altering story. I have identified with Joseph this year. Consider the wonder, the excitement, the disbelief, the questions, the unknown . . . on a VERY small scale, I identify with Joseph. Here is a man who was going about his life and then something rocked his world. I feel that way. We were going about life - moved to OH - started a new life, new jobs, and then our world was rocked. So many times I've heard about disaster or illness or trauma that happens to others, and although my heart went out to others in those situations, somehow I gave myself a pass - believing nothing would ever rock my world like that. And yet it has. Here is where disbelief shows itself - disbelief that it's us going through this, disbelief that it's been what feels like forever, and disbelief that it will end. There are questions - Why? When will it be over? Will it be over? What else could we do? What else should we do? What should we feel? Do we feel? Like Joseph, there is the unknown. The long road that the Lord asked Joseph to walk - imagine the unknown in raising the Savior of the world! And there is unknown in all of this - what does the future look like? What other symptoms may arise? What is the diagnosis???
BUT . . . . . , like Joseph, there is wonder. The wonder that Mike is still with me (we questioned fatal diseases). The wonder that we are still in our house when financially, the checkbook doesn't add up. The wonder that every time I ask the Lord to show up, He does. The wonder that family has stepped up in unbelievable ways because, "that's what family does". The wonder of Mike's sense of humor that still resides in his heart. The wonder of friends that have been family to us. Disbelief, questions and unknown - these are trumped by the WONDER of what God is doing through all this every day of the week (well, almost every day - wink).
Merry Christmas, friends. May the wonder of our Savior's birth, death, resurrection and daily workings and intercessing on our behalf rock your world!
Mike update: Mike's seizure meds were increased once again due to increased seizure activity, and there has been a decrease of seizures. He has had a few nights where he was having one or none! This is always a welcome change! This afternoon he had a killer headache and 2 seizures. He hasn't had seizures during the day for a very long time, nor a headache that has been this intense, for quite sometime. SIGH Tomorrow, Mike will try reducing a medication that he has been on for about 5 years. This is one of the last things we have not tried with him. Most neurologists have said there is no way this medication is causing his seizures and headaches, yet we have little left to try. We cannot keep increasing seizure meds, we don't have a diagnosis to tackle, environmental and diet modifications have not worked, top hospitals and neurologists have few answers, and so we try this. Mike will halve his dose tomorrow and the goal is to get him off of this med altogether to see if symptoms decrease. Friends, if you've ever begged the Lord on our behalf, can I ask you to do it again? Can I ask you to hope on our behalf? Can I express thanks in any other way than my inadequate words? Merry, merry Christmas!!!
Becka
So every year I read through the Christmas story a few times and try to see things through the eyes of the characters God saw fit to play a role in this amazing and eternity-altering story. I have identified with Joseph this year. Consider the wonder, the excitement, the disbelief, the questions, the unknown . . . on a VERY small scale, I identify with Joseph. Here is a man who was going about his life and then something rocked his world. I feel that way. We were going about life - moved to OH - started a new life, new jobs, and then our world was rocked. So many times I've heard about disaster or illness or trauma that happens to others, and although my heart went out to others in those situations, somehow I gave myself a pass - believing nothing would ever rock my world like that. And yet it has. Here is where disbelief shows itself - disbelief that it's us going through this, disbelief that it's been what feels like forever, and disbelief that it will end. There are questions - Why? When will it be over? Will it be over? What else could we do? What else should we do? What should we feel? Do we feel? Like Joseph, there is the unknown. The long road that the Lord asked Joseph to walk - imagine the unknown in raising the Savior of the world! And there is unknown in all of this - what does the future look like? What other symptoms may arise? What is the diagnosis???
BUT . . . . . , like Joseph, there is wonder. The wonder that Mike is still with me (we questioned fatal diseases). The wonder that we are still in our house when financially, the checkbook doesn't add up. The wonder that every time I ask the Lord to show up, He does. The wonder that family has stepped up in unbelievable ways because, "that's what family does". The wonder of Mike's sense of humor that still resides in his heart. The wonder of friends that have been family to us. Disbelief, questions and unknown - these are trumped by the WONDER of what God is doing through all this every day of the week (well, almost every day - wink).
Merry Christmas, friends. May the wonder of our Savior's birth, death, resurrection and daily workings and intercessing on our behalf rock your world!
Mike update: Mike's seizure meds were increased once again due to increased seizure activity, and there has been a decrease of seizures. He has had a few nights where he was having one or none! This is always a welcome change! This afternoon he had a killer headache and 2 seizures. He hasn't had seizures during the day for a very long time, nor a headache that has been this intense, for quite sometime. SIGH Tomorrow, Mike will try reducing a medication that he has been on for about 5 years. This is one of the last things we have not tried with him. Most neurologists have said there is no way this medication is causing his seizures and headaches, yet we have little left to try. We cannot keep increasing seizure meds, we don't have a diagnosis to tackle, environmental and diet modifications have not worked, top hospitals and neurologists have few answers, and so we try this. Mike will halve his dose tomorrow and the goal is to get him off of this med altogether to see if symptoms decrease. Friends, if you've ever begged the Lord on our behalf, can I ask you to do it again? Can I ask you to hope on our behalf? Can I express thanks in any other way than my inadequate words? Merry, merry Christmas!!!
Becka
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Silver linings
Well, friends, Mike has steered clear of the stomach bug! It's been one week, so I gotta believe he is in the clear. One down! Mike was put on a medication for pneumonia, but unfortunately he had an adverse reaction and seized many times on the meds. He was quickly taken off and he is starting to feel better so the thought is, it is viral. Two days ago, Mike unfortunately lost his balance again and went down the stairs. SIGH Still no broken bones, but an order for a block for the stairs and a sore back have prevailed. After I was through with the stomach flu, I got another upper respiratory bug. My doctor asked me what stress I had in life that I could get rid of - hmmmm, much stress and not much of a way to get rid of it.
My heart is thrilled to have 2 weeks off from work - I am so looking forward to time with my family and time with Mike. Two nights ago, Mike went seizure free again! Last night and through today he has seized 9 times. NINE TIMES! He texted me at work to let me know he was having a rough day, and I can't tell you how my heart sank. I have been looking forward to Christmas break for so long - time with Mike and time to enjoy family - and a BREAK - time to refuel and rest and destress . . . . and then I got Mike's text. I cried to the Lord on my way home - telling Him I needed a break, I needed rest, I needed to see my family, I needed life to get easier even if only for a little while. I came home, Mike stretched out his arms, and we just sat there and held each other and cried for a little while . . . we're so very very tired of all this and when Mike seizes countless times, life looks very grim.
But in a season of hope and wonder and excitement - grim is no place to live. I had forgotten tonight that we had made plans for friends to come over. We typically have a Christmas party with the neighborhood, but due to the inconsistency of Mike's health, we decided not to this year. Instead, I invited my running buddies, and their husbands, over for dinner. I invited them over tomorrow night . . . right? Nope. At 6:45 my phone buzzed reminding me company would be here in 15 minutes - my floors weren't vacuumed, my comfy pants were on and two loads of laundry were next to me on the couch. Needless to say, Papa Johns pizza was delicious! And as embarrassed as I was that I mixed up the nights and fed my guests pizza, it was ok. It was more than ok. It was enjoyable. It was normal life. It was an evening where I enjoyed friends and a fire and fancy salad and dessert (which they made, ahem). It was wonderful. I told the Lord today in my tearful drive home that He had to show up - and He did at 7:00 this evening - in the smiles and encouragement of friends - in an evening of normalcy that Mike thoroughly enjoyed surprisingly, considering his rough day. God shows up - in the silver linings of chaos - in the still small voice - in the baby in the manger . . . . and when He does - oh how sweet He is.
Prayers for safe travels to NH this week are appreciated, PRAISE that Mike did not get the stomach bug are in order, and my personal praise tonight is for the silver linings that the Lord continues to show me, especially at the times I need them most. A very MERRY CHRISTMAS, friends, to you and your families!
Becka
My heart is thrilled to have 2 weeks off from work - I am so looking forward to time with my family and time with Mike. Two nights ago, Mike went seizure free again! Last night and through today he has seized 9 times. NINE TIMES! He texted me at work to let me know he was having a rough day, and I can't tell you how my heart sank. I have been looking forward to Christmas break for so long - time with Mike and time to enjoy family - and a BREAK - time to refuel and rest and destress . . . . and then I got Mike's text. I cried to the Lord on my way home - telling Him I needed a break, I needed rest, I needed to see my family, I needed life to get easier even if only for a little while. I came home, Mike stretched out his arms, and we just sat there and held each other and cried for a little while . . . we're so very very tired of all this and when Mike seizes countless times, life looks very grim.
But in a season of hope and wonder and excitement - grim is no place to live. I had forgotten tonight that we had made plans for friends to come over. We typically have a Christmas party with the neighborhood, but due to the inconsistency of Mike's health, we decided not to this year. Instead, I invited my running buddies, and their husbands, over for dinner. I invited them over tomorrow night . . . right? Nope. At 6:45 my phone buzzed reminding me company would be here in 15 minutes - my floors weren't vacuumed, my comfy pants were on and two loads of laundry were next to me on the couch. Needless to say, Papa Johns pizza was delicious! And as embarrassed as I was that I mixed up the nights and fed my guests pizza, it was ok. It was more than ok. It was enjoyable. It was normal life. It was an evening where I enjoyed friends and a fire and fancy salad and dessert (which they made, ahem). It was wonderful. I told the Lord today in my tearful drive home that He had to show up - and He did at 7:00 this evening - in the smiles and encouragement of friends - in an evening of normalcy that Mike thoroughly enjoyed surprisingly, considering his rough day. God shows up - in the silver linings of chaos - in the still small voice - in the baby in the manger . . . . and when He does - oh how sweet He is.
Prayers for safe travels to NH this week are appreciated, PRAISE that Mike did not get the stomach bug are in order, and my personal praise tonight is for the silver linings that the Lord continues to show me, especially at the times I need them most. A very MERRY CHRISTMAS, friends, to you and your families!
Becka
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