And he's off!

That's right, after the annual Durkee Christmas party this evening, Mike is headed to the train station for his week long trip to Johns Hopkins. My mom will meet him there tomorrow and then the tests and appointments begin. We have hope for this trip and wait to see what God will do. This week has been a bit trying as Justice had some issues, Mike's head has been bad, the little dog was vomiting, the pharmacies did not have prescriptions, the furnace went out and the water pump on our truck is going and needs to be replaced. BUT, here's the cool thing. Before the dogs had their issues, before the furnace went out and before we got word on the truck, God provided. I read this in someone's blog this week "Through all of these events I am reminded just how faithful God is and how many tiny things (and huge things) seem to fit together at just the right time to keep us buoyed, encouraged, and aware of our blessings." Mike's trip is paid for, the furnace repair is paid for and the money for the truck came in the mail in various forms before I found out about it. God truly buoyed our financial needs with the means to pay them all. He has continually provided for us throughout this time. There has NEVER been one bill I haven't been able to pay. THAT is amazing!

Mike and I have been on the receiving end of so much giving, that we wanted to pay forward in a small way this season. We hosted a Christmas party and on the invitation told our friends of a family that we had "adopted" this Christmas. It is a mom with 7 kids who needed help fulfilling Santa's role. I was astonished at the amount of giving that walked through the door tonight at the party. We drank hot chocolate, had a fire, listened to Christmas music and talked in the most of wrapping MANY presents for this family. It is so sweet to be able to pay forward (with a lot of help) the kindness bestowed on us.

This Christmas, take a minute to look where you can pay it forward or help someone in any number of ways. I can tell you from someone who has been on the receiving end, the blessing is rich and one of the only things that has kept my heart and head in this thing called life. Your giving is a reminder that God hasn't forgotten us. Consider that the Saviour of the world gave up His throne long ago to be found in a manger and save us. Pay forward His kindness to you as He continues to give to us. A very Merry Christmas, friends. God's richest and most wonderful blessings on all of you and your families!

much to tell

Oh boy, it's been a while since I've updated this. So sorry! Let's start with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was a day of mixed emotion for me. I have a very sick Shepherd whom I was afraid I was going to lose around Thanksgiving as he just wasn't responding to treatment and declining rapidly. Mike and I made the decision that I would stay home with Justice and Mike would go to Cleveland to be with his family and celebrate Christmas with them. This was our first holiday apart and we were sad to be apart but felt we made the right decision. To some, Justice is just a dog. To me, a vet's daughter, the dogs are a part of our family. Not to mention the fact that life has been hard for so long, that to lose Justice now, I would be heartbroken. I'm happy to report, he has made a nice turnaround and is doing better! That does my heart well! Another thing that did my heart well was the opportunity to talk with another wife whose spouse is ill with cancer. Despite different illnesses, I identified with this girl in her feelings so much. She is the first one I have been able to talk with since all of Mike's health issues that I really felt knew how I felt - there was so much comfort in that. I think the comfort came from knowing I wasn't alone. I have felt so very lonely in so much of this, that to have someone identify with my feelings was a blessing I wasn't expecting on turkey day, and certainly something to be very thankful for. While I am talking about this sweet couple, here is the link to their blog:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/zachschellhause

Would you please pray for them? And while I'm on the subject, a friend of mine from school, his wife, has also been diagnosed with very aggressive cancer. Here is her blog:

http://erin-fightingbreastcancer.blogspot.com/

Would you please pray for Erin and her family? Life is so hard on so many levels, sometimes!
Before Thanksgiving, Mike was in the hospital, admitted by the new headache specialist he is seeing, to try a new treatment and manage the headache pain. Mike did have some relief and was sent home on a decreasing dose of new steroids. We were encouraged by some relief after trying so many medications, but discouragement came when Mike was home and with each decrease of dosage came increased pain. He's back to vomiting nightly and living in 24/7 pain. His vision in his left eye is also quite poor. Not to worry, friends, there is a silver lining of hope here. In the hospital, a dr (we're not sure which) mentioned a case like Mike's years ago and the resulting diagnosis. Mike fits the profile to a "T". The condition is very rare (like 500 cases in the US and 1 out of 10 are men). We always knew this would most likely be rare as so many of the tests Mike has had were normal. We have a next step. There is a dr at Johns Hopkins, in Maryland, that is the guru of this autoimmune endocrine disease. We have been connected with him, he's very interested in Mike's case, and next weekend, Mike will travel to Maryland for a week to see this dr. To be clear, it looks like this might be a diagnosis, but nothing is for sure yet. Once we have that information, hopefully after the Johns Hopkins visit, we will share more information with you. My mom, God bless her, will travel to the hospital with Mike as he will be there for a week. Until Mike's appt, would you please pray for a break in the headaches this week? It would be nice to do a few Christmasy things before he leaves. Onward and upward, friends! I pray, despite the hurt in life, you are comforted in knowing that Christ identifies with our hurt and walked through his own pain in life, starting with a humble birth in a manger. Let's not lose sight of this in the busyness of the season, but also, the pain of life.
Becka

giving of thanks

My good friend has inspired me with her 30 days of Thanksgiving, and because I have but a week until turkey day, I thought I might conquer all 30 days right now. Here we go: 30: an unexpected date night last night; 29: Christmas shopping is done!; 28: a diagnosis for my sweet Shepherd as well as treatment; 27: changing leaves (Fall is my favorite season); 26: my family that redefines the word longsuffering; 25: a weekend with good college friends and lifelong friendships; 24: heat (brrr, it's cold out there!); 23: the first fire of the year!; 22: a job with guaranteed salary and health insurance; 21: 9 months SEIZURE FREE!!!; 20: many delicious meals from many of you; 19: a new headache dr that has put together the headaches and endocrine issues and has some ideas and next steps (more on that later); 18: a neighbor who helped Mike clear the leaves; 17: the holiday season (makes my heart happy); 16: recent adoptions by my friends (a cool picture of what God has done for us); 15: 2 working vehicles; 14: lots of love and prayers from so many for so long; 13: a new grief counselor that is covered by our insurance!; 12: faithfulness; 11: the deer in my neighborhood; 10: home sweet home and the ability to sustain it (only by God's grace); 9: down time in the busyness of life; 8: comfy pants (come on, you know you love them too!); 7: laughter; 6: forgiveness; 5: mercy; 4: grace; 3: love; 2: salvation; 1: life
This Thanksgiving, be thankful for all you have. If you are like us, you have been blessed beyond what some only dream of. Love to you and your families, friends. A very happy turkey day to you all!

back to UC

So last week, Wednesday, Mike went to the headache specialist and the dr took a look at Mike's recent MRI and called the ENT surgeon while Mike was still in the office. The headache specialist saw a sinus pocket that was filled and most likely causing the head pain. The ENT surgeon said he could fit Mike into surgery in 2 days instead of waiting another week when the surgery was scheduled. We made arrangements and then the hospital called and told Mike it was scheduled for Monday, tomorrow, and that he had to have tests done the next day (Thursday). On Friday, the doctor called and said the recent tests showed the sinus pockets had shrunk and the surgery was off but that Mike needed to go into the hospital for pain management and more tests. Did ya catch all that?
Friday night, I took Mike to University Hospital and it is likely he will be there until Tuesday. They are running antibody tests, doing an MRA, MRD and spinal tap (youch!). At this point, the endocrine team and headache dr are toying with a possible diagnosis but are doing more tests to rule other things out. 4 years ago the "guru" of this rare disease was at University Hospital, and if it turns out this is the answer, we will get his contact information and follow up with him.
I dare not get my hopes up that this is the answer, for I have learned it is easier to accept my low expectations than be disappointed by my false hopes. I know that sounds bad, but it doesn't hurt as much.
On a personal note, Mike and I have experienced so much loss over the course of this illness, and the culminating grief has affected us both more deeply than I think we can comprehend. This week we are scheduled to see a grief/marriage counselor to help us deal with all the emotions that come with this journey. We don't have family close and we are both dealing with very separate stress and loss. Job, finances, health, independence, 3 grandparents and an uncle have been lost in recent years and on some level, we have lost the support of each other as we are left to deal with our own very different emotions.
Please pray that this hospital stay is fruitful and our counselor can help us muddle through the past years' loss.
Love you all,
Becka

Reunion

Last weekend, Mike and I got away to the great state of PA. It was my 10 year college reunion. Wowsers, I am old! Mike and I delayed plans until we knew how he'd be, but we went with the understanding that if Mike wasn't doing well, we'd drive right back home. We drove to Columbus and picked up one of my girlfriends and then to PA to pick up another and off the four of us went to Messiah College! I jokingly told Mike it was like having sister wives - him and three women - not sure he appreciated my humor - not sure you will either, but thought I'd share cuz I think I'm funny!!! I digress. We had a great weekend. I connected with lifelong friends. When I say lifelong, that is truly what I mean. These people mean the world to me. I care so deeply about their struggles and rejoice greatly in their blessings. It's doing life together from a distance. They have done life with us. They have read, called, emailed, come over, blessed, given, prayed, loved, encouraged . . . done life . . . .walked through our pain. There's nothing more uplifting in all this than to know that others are doing life with you. It makes the journey bearable when at times we just want to be done with life. During the reunion, I had a moment on Saturday morning when I told Mike I wanted to go home. There was this intense cloud of depression to watch all my friends moving on in life and happiness in stark contrast to my life. Please DON'T read this the wrong way - I am overjoyed with my friends' blessings in life. I pray God's sweetest and best hand on their lives . . . . but reality hits when people are fixing their houses and moving and getting new jobs and bringing up sweet children and moving on in life and you can't see anything but just getting through the day, no plans for the future. I had my depressive thoughts, had a cry and a good hug, and that was that. It was done. I was free to revel in the reunion and all the joy it brought. At the end of the weekend, my insides ached from laughing the hardest I have in a while and we went home with a happiness in our hearts. Mike did great over the weekend. He only bowed out once to sleep. He was a trooper! I so appreciated that he stayed up when he didn't feel well and it did my heart well to see him enjoying himself with good friends. You see, my friends are so accepting. They don't just love and care for me - they love and pray God's best for Mike's life too. That is sweet. It was a great and needed time.

Mike update: Mike is scheduled to see the endocrinologist tomorrow. He'll get the results of some blood tests (hormone levels) and other tests. His headaches have been off the charts bad. He's been vomiting several times during the night. One night he vomited and then passed out which freaked me the heck out! I get up with him now when he vomits in case he passes out again. Durk goes down hard as you might imagine! He has an appointment Nov 1 with the headache specialist. We don't have high hopes for this appt. His appointment to have the nasal passage cleaned out and the growth on the back of his head are set - mid and late November. Mike's mom will be here for a couple days after the nasal surgery and then my mom will be here for a couple days so I can continue to work. We'd most appreciate prayer for sleep. The headaches interrupt Mike's sleep on so many levels and it hurts me so much to see him in pain and not be able to do a darn thing about it.
It's sweet doing life with you all,
Becka

October 6

Three years ago on this day, I never would have comprehended the pain life would hold for us. I would have laughed at you had you told me I would be a blogger, only to inform others of how rough life is for us and how much suffering it entails. You see, three years ago on this day, Mike was out fishing, and he fell. We thought nothing of it that night. But then he fell again and again and again, and pretty soon life was different and heart wrenching and at times, unbearable. Three years. It's hard to comprehend even now that's it's been that long. If I could begin to communicate the utter depths of despair we have been to. If I could tell you the unending physical pain Mike has been in. If I could tell you the assault this illness and lack of answers has had on our spiritual understanding. If I could tell you the relationships that have been severed and hurtful comments we've endured: we are being punished, Mike is possessed, Mike needs to be in a psych ward, we are bad friends for not being around. Oh friends, life has not given us a choice but to pull back, because there are days we barely hold on. There are months that we are just barely surviving. Life has been at a standstill for three years. We've watched friends move on in jobs and their families have expanded. We live day to day, hospital visit to hospital visit, pain management dose to pain management dose.
Mike was up last night, in tears. I'd love to tell you this is the first time I've seen the big guy lose it, but truth be told we've both had our sets of tears, both together and on our own. There were nights after he'd fall from a seizure that we would sit on the floor together and tears and emotions would come from places we never knew were so deeply hurting.
The season we now find ourselves in, is one of hopelessness. Mike woke up last night in severe pain and sobbingly said to me, "Go back to bed. I'm sorry I woke you up. This is my life now." In three years, Mike has never lost sight of my needs. He knows I've had to be strong and there has been a lot on me. He has always understood and empathized with me about the physical and emotional toll all this has taken on me. My only prayer is that I have been understanding and loving and caring and half the helpmate he has deserved throughout all this.
Mike's words were true last night - this is life. And the question we now ask ourselves is, is this life forever, or for a season? We've seen drs, we've been to hospitals across the country. We've followed differing medicine, therapy and diet routines. We even signed up for brain surgery which was our last hope, I feel, at a better life. Mike's body has definitely deteriorated since surgery. At this point, Mike is scheduled to have sinus surgery again to clean out the cysts that have grown post surgery as well as cartilage. He is also seeing the surgeon that removed his gall bladder to have some cysts removed off the back of his head. They have been steadily growing. Mike is testing his blood sugar regularly and has received some insulin. He is following a diabetic diet as he is at risk for developing this condition, tied to the endocrine system. He has been prescribed a post cancer med to balance the estrogen levels in his body. He sees the neurosurgeon in November, and I have no idea what good that will do. He is scheduled to see a headache specialist on November first. Mike's steroids and pain meds have been increased, and we are both discouraged by this.
My fervent prayer is that we can manage Mike's symptoms, if not find an answer and cure for him. Because if life remains like this, I honestly think, what is the point? . . . . And the answer to this will always be that God is still good. I know it's been three years, but please don't forget us, friends.
Love on your families tonight. Becka

Update

Mike's still in the hospital but may be home tomorrow. They have tried different treatments for the headaches saying to him, "You've tried all the things that work best for most patients". We're aware! There will be more tests tomorrow and Mike is still waiting to hear about a tumor test they did last week. He's had a couple units of insulin due to high blood sugar (this is new), but in the last 48 hours his blood sugar has been fine. They have him eating a diabetic diet and when I went grocery shopping tonight, I paid close attention to carbs. We don't need to throw diabetes into the mix! The doctors ruled out the heart infection and have told Mike he needs to have 2, maybe 3 more surgeries. One will be nasal surgery to clean out the cartilage and remove and biopsy the cysts that have grown post surgery. We knew about this one. The second is a cyst removal on the back of Mike's head. He has had several cysts growing on the back of his head that no dr has been concerned about, but this team thinks Mike should have it removed in case it is a source of hormones. Lastly, it is so unclear what the pituitary is doing - no tumor but not working well and spots that looked "abnormal" during surgery and a biopsy that showed evidence of inflammation. Should the neurosurgeon go back in and remove more of the pituitary? Will this alleviate pressure? Will it shed more light on what is wrong with the pituitary? Is this worth more brain surgery??
Just thought I'd update ya!

Over the river and through downtown, to University Hospital we go . . .

Mike has been to the ER twice in the last 5 days and spent all of Tuesday afternoon in the endocrinologist’s office. It seems his body is slowly but surely getting worse, endocrinically-speaking (I made that term up). Mike’s blood sugar is slowly creeping up and trips to the hospital have been for headaches so severe he is vomiting and hefty spikes in fevers. The neurosurgeon asked Mike to go to the ER last night fearful of meningitis, which Mike does not have (he’s had that test . . . shocking, I know). We are thankful he does not have this. During our trip to downtown UC last night, we met Dr. John. Now this is confession time. In April, when Mike had his gall bladder removed, I developed a slight “crush”, if you will, on Mike’s surgeon. He was the first doctor in a very long time that took Mike’s symptoms seriously, went after them aggressively and helped Mike to feel better (despite tests results that showed everything was fine – you’ll remember Mike’s gall bladder, upon removal, was very infected despite negative test results). I developed a slight “admiration” that day, and last night was “admiration” number two. This is boding fine for marriage, don’t you worry. Mike’s fully aware of my crushes for these doctors who are a breath of fresh air, who sit and listen, who think outside the box, and who are willing to put Mike’s quality of life concerns above impending appointments and ER-filled rooms. Tonight, Dr. John spent some amazing time taking through all of Mike’s three-year medical history, asking questions as we told our story. It was cathartic for someone to listen, truly listen. Turns out Dr. John is the chief of staff – imagine the chief of staff spending extensive time in an ER patient’s room and truly caring about them! At the end of the evening, Mike was admitted to rule out a possible heart infection. Yes, this is new. I will know more as the day progresses and will update you.
Bless you, longsuffering friends, who have not forgotten us in your own sufferings. We are eternally grateful.
Becka

confusion central

I don’t even know where to begin . . . . where did I leave you? . . . . we were waiting for results on Mike’s hypothalamus. The results came back “suspect”. What the heck does that mean??? I don’t even know. We have had so many opinions and so many potential diagnosis and haven’t a clue where to go from here. I’ll try to simplify all of it – wish me luck!

Mike continues to feel lousy and very tired – “zapped” is his word. His fevers have been over 104 and he was vomiting last week. His headaches remain bad. The endocrinologist has told us that we will not know if Mike has cancer of the pituitary until it metastasizes . . . . because Mike’s blood levels are WAY out of whack, his hypothalamus looks suspect and his recent MRI of the pituitary looks suspect, we are not really sure where to go from here. The steroids went back up (which is very disappointing to us as he’s been on such a high dose for 3 yrs) to compensate with the endocrine levels. We are still contemplating the testosterone injections as his testosterone level is off the charts low. The endocrinologist wants to push the steroids and has said the adrenals will never work again; the neurosurgeon has said that Mike’s adrenals will work again and all this may be post-surgery effect. Today the ENT surgeon said we should consider having another surgery to clean out cartilage and cysts that are forming in the sinuses post surgery. He told us that he has only had to “go back in” to do this surgery on one other patient – of course Mike falls in this category! Durkee! It would be one day, out patient, and no brain involved! Mike’s primary care ordered another panel of bloodwork to look at Mike’s endocrine levels. We are waiting for those results. Mike’s primary care also ordered a CT scan of his adrenal glands because they have stopped working (the guy should glow in the dark he’s been so radiated!). The PC is questioning a syndrome that is attacking his immune system (can’t remember the name and there is no definitive test for it). Mike’s blood sugar keeps increasing and this is another concern and another reason to question this syndrome.
I can’t even keep track of the number of opinions and dr appointments and tests and results and LACK of conclusions. Sigh . . . BIG sigh. We are debating about pursuing the NIH. The NIH takes hard to diagnose cases, but we have no idea if they will take Mike. He was rejected a couple years ago. Here is our plan: increase the steroids, wait for a month or so to see if Mike’s body recoups if this is all post surgery nonsense, pursue a headache specialist in that time if the headaches persist, consider having the second surgery in the sinuses and pray about the NIH. . . oh yes, and breathe.

On a personal note, I went to see my dear friend last week in the hospital to celebrate the birth of her new baby boy. I was thrilled to love on that baby and celebrate in their joy and saddened at the same time. Mike couldn’t come because he felt lousy, and that’s what bothers me most– I miss him, I miss us, I miss making plans to do fun things because we never know how he’ll feel.
We feel . . . .defeated, confused, stuck and tired of living life sick. We also feel loved, supported and thankful for God’s grace through all this.

Quick Update

Today we received the results of Mike's tests from last week. He and I talked last night about what we would do if once again, tests came back fine . . . . fortunately, or not, we didn't have to continue that conversation today. Mike's tests came back not so great. They showed signs of infection or possible cancer of the hypothalamus. He has to have another test to determine what is going on exactly with the hypothalamus. We are unsure of this timeline as of yet. Tests also confirmed that Mike's adrenals are not working at all. This means that the only substance his body is using is the steroids he is taking. Mike's adrenals have always been deficient, but now they are no longer working. Also off the charts is his testosterone level. Lack of testosterone makes Mike very tired and his nonworking adrenals make him all the more tired as well as feeling overall lousy - like he has the flu. He has trouble sleeping and his headaches have been intense lately. Here is how you can pray (as we are so very thankful you do):
1) pray that the steroids and testosterone work so Mike does not have to go on daily injections.
2) pray that Mike feels better and sleeps better :(:(
3) pray for the results of the upcoming tests that they may shed light on what is going on with his body.
4) pray that we continue to learn what God would have us glean from this long journey.

Blessings to you all,
Becka

more tests

Hi friends. Mike went to the endocrinologist yesterday and got the results of his blood work. His levels were all over the place and the endocrinologist put him back on his steroid gel as well as increasing his oral dose of steroids. You'll remember that the steroids are what most closely replaces Mike's body's natural hormone levels. The upside to this is that he may feel better. The downside is that we hoped we could lower the steroids as they have unwanted side effects. The endocrinologist is puzzled as to why Mike's levels are all over the place. It is possible this is a reaction of his body post surgery, but the endo has ordered more tests. She has likened his condition, and the way he feels, to PMS 24/7 . . . . there are so many comments here and it kills me to leave them alone . . . . but I will. Yes, I will.

Mike is headed to the Barrett Cancer Center Friday morning to have a blood test on his hypothalamus. The endo wants to see what this looks like as she is questioning what the trigger is to all of Mike's endocrine issues. It was thought that the pituitary tumor would solve the endocrine issues . . . but there was no tumor and the issues remain. Mike feels worse post surgery. The Cancer Center will look for cancer of the hypothalamus as well as infection or any other ailment that may be affecting this gland's workings which would in turn affect Mike's endocrine system. If I understand it correctly, the hypothalamus sends messages to the pituitary which sends messages to the adrenals - none of which are working well . . . but don't quote me on that.

Please pray for Mike Friday and for the results - we are hopeful that they will shed light on what's going on. Blessings and love to all who have stood by us and loved on us and have been long-suffering through these 3 long years.

here's what we know

Do ya like the new picture (and how about that photographer *cough cough*)? Mike hasn't shaved his beard since surgery (6 weeks ago), and I'm a big fan! His hair has indeed migrated to his face. We had a great time with my family in New England and I finished my first mini triathlon. It was so much fun, and now my friend is trying to talk me into the half marathon in Columbus . . . . the jury's still out on that one! Working out has benefitted me in so many ways through Mike's illness, and no matter how sick he was and how lonely he was at home, he always insisted I get to the gym for some stress relief. It has been such a release for me.

Six weeks out of surgery, Mike is healing well, but slower than most. We saw the ENT surgeon this week and he said the surgery sight looks good, but Mike is healing with greater side effects than others. He has had very little energy and is on his second sinus infection which only adds to the pain in his sinus area. :(:( He feels absolutely lousy right now, poor guy. The ENT said Mike needs another 2 - 4 weeks to be feeling better, but that all his postsurgical issues are normal. He also shared with us that the biopsy of the pituitary showed signs of infection or inflammation. This is in contrast to what the endocrinologist told us (what else is new?). We see the neurosurgeon, who took the biopsy, in two weeks and will get his take on the results. If the biopsy showed signs of infection, I'm not sure that will help us, it may just explain things. Mike had blood drawn this week to look at his endocrine levels. He sees the endocrinologist next week to get the results of those tests.

Here's what we know:
*Mike pituitary is not cancerous. It will need to be imaged frequently.
*Mike is healing slowly from surgery and needs another 2 - 4 weeks until he feels better.
*Mike still has headaches, something we were SO hopeful surgery would alleviate. Due to Mike's slow healing time, we are not ruling out the possibility that the headaches will be gone when he is healed up.
*Mike's been seizure free since March.
*We need to take one day at a time.
*We are loved by many and unconditionally loved by our Savior.

Keep praying for us, friends. We are thankful for so much and trying not to be discouraged by the headaches and slow healing.

Ironman (Post from Mike)

I sit here, and I am Ironman..... What is an ironman? First, it's a series of triathlons and then it's a superhero. Ironically, Becka is just finishing her first mini triathlon, and I wanted to blog about the superhero she is in my life. I wont be able to write this as creatively as Becka writes our blog, but I will speak straight from the heart, just as she does. I am so honored that I get to be Rebecca Durkee's husband! She is the best superhero I could ever think of. She is IRONWOMAN! What many don't realize is all that rebecca has had to endure in these last 2 years. She has endured a sick husband, job issues, financial difficulty that would have driven many to xanax, and did I mention a sick whiny husband?

Becka has endured all of this and is still her bright cheery self. One of these situations would have driven many people into submission but not my wife. She stood up and faced it all. She took the worst while waiting for the best. I look up to Rebecca and know she is the only reason I found any strength to keep going. I wanted to quit this fight so many times, but I would look at Becka and see her resolve and say I have to stay in it for her. I know that I have messed up many times in our marriage, and yet, Becka is still here encouraging me to not settle for who I am but to strive for who God wants me to be. All of this while fighting her own battles. Becka, as you finish your race today I want you to know that you are more than an ironman triathlete, you are more like ironman, the super hero. Thank you baby for always pushing me to be my best. This blog is rambling on so I will close now. I will leave with one final thought: when you find what I have found in Rebecca Lynn, don't ever take them for granted. Thank God that He considered you worthy to have a relationship with such a person. I love you, Becks!!!

blog update: results

Hi friends,
Mike had 2 dr appointments this week. He has been on antibiotics for a sinus infection (not the most fun thing after sinus cavity surgery) for a week and slowly healing. We saw the endocrinologist on Tuesday and she had the results of the biopsy. What I did not disclose to anyone was that the surgeon took a biopsy to look for inflammation, infection, but also, cancer. Despite the fact he could not find a tumor, there was a possibility the gland was still cancerous. Why did I keep that to myself, you ask? Because there was no use "borrowing trouble" as mom would say, and I had faith the report would be clear. You'll remember that the neurosurgeon suggested to me that the "tumor" on the MRI was inflammation. The report, my friends, was clear!!! Mike has a normal looking pituitary. The endocrinologist read us the report and then looked at us and asked, "Do you believe in miracles?". Ummmm, yes, yes we do! We are rejoicing in the fact Mike does not have a tumor and Mike does not have cancer, and Mike does not have any of the fatal diseases he has been tested for over the last two years. We are thankful.

Now . . . . you'll also remember that we were hopeful Mike had a tumor as it could have been the answer to the endocrine issues as well as the debilitating headaches. We are processing through the fact that Mike doesn't have a tumor, that God very well could have performed a miracle, that Mike is recovering from brain surgery and is very limited as to what he can and cannot do, and where the road takes us from here. It's a lot to think about. Did Mike have a tumor? Did we experience a miracle? Are Mike's other issues resolved? What do we do with this journey we are on? We are obviously giving all glory to Him that sustains every breath, but what else would the Lord have us do with this experience? Is this journey over? Did this journey get longer because Mike doesn't have a tumor? Good old questions. We are used to them! Perhaps rather than trying to answer or guessing at what God might be doing, I will tell you where we are and what our "human" plans are given the present circumstances.

Mike's endocrinologist ordered several rounds of blood work to check his adrenal functions. She also lowered his steroid dose (these replace the hormone triggers in Mike's body that don't work). We'd love to see him off of these, but at present his body needs them. I'll be interested to see the results of the blood work post surgery. Mike also saw the ENT surgeon who said Mike was healing well, there were no leaks of cerebral spinal fluid (csf), but that Mike has more healing to do. He cleaned out Mike's sinus cavity and moved things around at the site of surgery with various tools and suction. Mike's hurting today! ENT will see Mike in three weeks and we will see the neurosurgeon as well. We also need to wait until Mike is healed from surgery to determine the next headache step. If Mike has been healed, he may not have headaches. If he has been healed of the tumor, he still may have the headaches. If the headaches persist, we will see a headache specialist. We also wait on the blood work to determine endocrine functions. Mike has been referred to an optometrist as his peripheral vision in his left eye is fuzzy at best. He also has significant left-sided weakness. It is possible, according to Dr. Durkee (ahem), that Mike's extensive seizure activity has caused damage. He always fell on his left side when he seized - I imagine this could cause weakness and loss of nerve sensation and vision loss on the left side. No one else is sure why this is, so you know me, I gotta make a guess. I'm hopeful that if Mike can get to feeling better, he can work with a trainer to strengthen his left side.
I feel a bit like this post has gone on and on - not sure what I've communicated or if you have a good idea as to where the Durkees are. But He knows, without me saying a word, He knows . . . . . and loves and cares and is faithful despite whatever I question. . . . and that will always be enough.

Thank you for praying, friends. We ask that you rejoice with us for all God has done and pray for what lies ahead.

And now we wait...

Hi friends,
Well, a week out from surgery and Mike is doing well. His head still hurts quite a bit. He is still stuffy and I'm uncertain as to whether the packing in his nose has dissolved. We see the ENT surgeon Wednesday morning. Due to Mike's stuffiness, he has little taste - this is proving a great diet! He also may be getting a sinus infection which only adds to the pressure and pain in his head :(:( His restrictions are great - no lifting anything over 5 pounds, no housework, no taking the dogs out, no bending, no driving, no sneezing or coughing with the mouth closed - anything that can put pressure on the brain is out of the question. The hole that was cut in the brain was also patched. If the patch ruptures, cerebral spinal fluid can leak and that is not good. He is taking it easy and we are still waiting on the biopsy results. We also have follow-up appointments with the endocrinologist and neurosurgeon in a few weeks. Time and bloodwork will tell if the endocrine issues are any better and headaches are hard to decipher now as his head still hurts from the surgery. So we wait. . . . and hope . . .

Perplexed

Strap yourselves in, ladies and gentlemen, for this post is about to be written by a girl who's been up since five, and like my hair, nothing is pretty right now . . . so bear with me as I attempt to put down jumbled thoughts and update you about today.

We were at the hospital by 6:00 and Mike was in surgery by 8:40. It was supposed to be a three hour surgery. At two hours in, when they called my name, I knew something was up. "Mrs. Durkee, the surgeons will see you now". It was the first time all day I was nervous. I had peace about this surgery from the time it was scheduled up until 10:40 this morning. As I sat in the family room waiting for the 2 surgeons I forced myself not to call my mom and breathe slowly. HA! The surgeons came in, told me everything went well, and good news, there was no tumor . . . . . ummm, come again?? Yep, that's correct friends, no tumor. So the thing growing on the MRI that has tripled in size over a year - yep, nonexistent. They assured me it was good news, nothing they had done would help the endocrine issues nor headaches and the sightings on the MRI were most likely inflammation. They did biopsy the normal looking pituitary and the results would be back in a few business days. "Good news, have a great holiday weekend Mrs. Durkee, we'll need to do an MRI often to keep an eye on the pituitary for future tumors." They left and I again willed myself to breathe.
Because I cannot possibly put into words what today was like, I'll tell you the facts and spare you the mumbling.

We were praying that Mike had a tumor, that it was benign and once removed, would cure or at least help the headaches and endocrine issues. Well, no tumor and therefor, SEEMINGLY, no relief. HOWEVER, NO TUMOR!!!! I told myself all day, as Mike and I often do, don't miss the blessing! It is possible that Mike had a tumor and God healed it. The surgical resident said to us today, "I'm perplexed that I can see a tumor on 2 MRIs and there isn't one in your head, but the Lord works in mysterious ways". I got goosebumps. The other possibility to this is that the image on the MRI was inflammation of the pituitary, but the biopsy they took of the pituitary today was normal looking, not inflamed. Did God remove the tumor with His skilled hands? Was there never a tumor? What happens with the endocrine issues and headaches? We were placing our hope in the tumor causing these issues as the neurosurgeon was pretty sure of this himself. What now? We wait. We wait to see what Mike's endocrine levels are. We wait to see how the headaches are. We wait to see what the biopsy shows. We wait to see what's next. My Facebook status yesterday read, "surgery tomorrow - expecting great things". What I should have written is, "surgery tomorrow - expecting great things but accepting anything".

I felt in my gut that today was the end of all this. I rarely feel hopeful about anything medical providing answers, but today I did. I can't decide if it were for good reason or the road is just longer for us . . . I just don't know, and time will tell. Is Mike totally healed? Do we have other steps for headaches and endocrine issues? According to the drs today, we do, but according to the Lord, Who is faithful and able, we may not.

Thank you to Mike's family for being there for support today. Thank you to Jill Schellhause who let me cry, have an attitude, love on me and provide levity for the day. She was my mom today, and I loved her for it! Thanks to Katie Smith for cookies and company. The Smiths have walked this journey with us in so many ways. We love them! Thank you to the Lord for NO TUMOR and the longest stint of seizure free activity yet. THANK YOU to all who have prayed, called, texted, facebooked and asked countless others to pray. I'm sorry I couldn't answer all of you! I wish I could. The prayers were felt. I wish I could tell you to stop, but it seems the journey continues . . . . but this blog post ends. good night
~Becka

Happy Father's Day

Went to church this morning, but not with my dad. :(:( The holidays I miss the most living in Cincinnati are Mother's and Father's Day. I loved this from this morning: "I am an extension of my father". BIG SIGH . . . . in many ways I am like my father - got my music from him, my ability to see every shade of gray, my flat feet, my hurt for others when they hurt, my inability to make a quick decision cuz I over-think everything (ahem), my tender heart, patience, discernment, listening skills, my German heritage and maiden name that means "Big Cheese" (those last 5 were from Mike :)). But am I really an extension of him? Have I been an extension of his character through all this? In tough times, that's when character matters most, or perhaps when it is put to the test. Your true colors show through when you are at the bottom of life. In my struggles with the Lord throughout this journey, the attribute I have most connected with is God as our father. And why is that? Because I've had the most phenomenal example of what a father should be. Because every morning, regardless of circumstances, dad was on his knees talking with God the Father, asking for guidance, asking for wisdom, praising Him for blessings and crying out when dad was in his own dessert season of life. Proverbs 8:34 says, "Blessed is the man who listens to Me, watching daily at My doors, waiting at my doorway". Dad listened and watched and waited when the Lord asked him to. And in my heart I always knew that whatever came our way as a family, it would be okay because dad always started the day at His feet. And while Mike and I walked and continue to walk through all we have in the last two years+, I know dad did the very same - down on his knees at the feet of the Father, asking for healing, asking for wisdom, listening to what God had for him and passing along the wisdom to us that God granted.
Psalm 103:13 says, "As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him". Compassion - oh the depth of compassion that dad has shown to us - the tears he's shared, the prayers he's cried out on our behalf, the words of wisdom that he's spoken in our journey in the dessert. The characteristic of the Lord that I've questioned the most throughout all this is His love . . . and what has brought me back to truth, that God loves me more than I will ever comprehend? My dad's love - shown in so many ways - as an extension of his heavenly Father. When dad gets to the other side, I have no doubt there are crowns in abundance waiting for him and a smile so sweet and an embrace so big from his heavenly Father. Wish I was there to hug you today, dad. Wish I could put into words the extension that you are of the Lord and what that has meant to me in my life. Hope that Mike and I will one day have kids who can share in an exceptional relationship with their grandfather, because you are a man worth knowing, loving, learning from and you are leaving a legacy that has gotten your kids, Mike and I, through one of the darkest times of our lives. Thank you - keep going - love you. Happy Father's Day!
Rebbie

What's Missing?

Sorry it's been a while since I've updated, friends. Much has happened and emotions have been all over the place. On Mike's birthday this week (a day we weren't always sure we would see) we found out that the third try to disability was approved! We were over the moon about this but have hesitation about it as well. We have tried, for almost the last two years, to qualify for disability. It was unbelievably humbling for us to go into the social security office, but on the other hand, financial strain has been at the forefront of our minds for two years. God has blessed us EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY with our finances in the last two years, but we SO desire for the generous giving to be passed along to others. You'll notice that the paypal button has been taken down from the blog - it's missing! - and on purpose. PLEASE friends, pass along your generosity to others in great need as it has been one of the strongest reminders that God has not left us, that He loves us and that He has a plan for us. And that is priceless. We are overwhelmed at all we have been given and unable to say thank you to adequately communicate the depth of gratitude we feel in our hearts . . . . . . We are okay now - disability will cover our full mortgage and my salary covers the rest. GOD IS GOOD! Our earnest prayer is that once the surgery is done and Mike has rehabbed, he will be back to work and we can be off disability.

Mike has been back to the doctor's twice this week. His headaches have been very intense and have been affecting vision in his left eye. He went to the ER this week and they were unable to do an MRI of the tumor to see if it was bleeding but they were able to break the intense cycle of headaches, and that was welcomed relief for Mike. He was also back at the hospital for a broken toe. He and the trashcan fought and the can won . . .ahem. We also saw the ENT surgeon this week. Two surgeons are necessary as the ENT surgeon will make way for the neurosurgeon to take out the tumor. They go through the nose and will replace bone from the skull and patch the hole with fat from Mike's abdomen. The surgeons are in agreement that the tumor is growing too rapidly and needs to be removed. It is possible that the tumor is much bigger than the last MRI showed OR that this is a very infected pituitary gland and there is no tumor. If this is the case, medication for the endocrine issues will potentially be life long and headaches are not a result of a tumor. We are hopeful that there is not only a tumor, but that is it benign and once removed, will give ease to all endocrine issues and headaches. Mike and I are headed to Akron, OH next week for a wedding and then we are getting away for a couple days before the surgery. It is our 8th anniversary, and the last two years have shown us that every day is a gift. We are looking forward to a couple days away before surgery.

I will probably be updating the blog right after surgery (7/1). We'd appreciate prayers for the surgery, peace of mind, and the headaches that seem to be intensifying. Love to you all.
Becka

We have a date

Mike has seen the neurosurgeon, and the date has been set for the surgery. July 1 at 5:45am, Mike will have the pituitary tumor removed. We hope that this is the end . . . the end of headaches, the end of endocrine issues, the end of hospitals, the end of doctor appointments, the end of living in survival mode . . . . but time will tell. As you know, the tumor has grown very rapidly, and my theory is that when Mike has days of horrible headaches and vision loss, the tumor is growing, but I'm not a doctor! Due to the rate of growth, there is concern that it is malignant, but 85% of these tumors are benign so the odds are on our side. . . . but it's not just the odds, is it? It's the God of creation who knows our bodies and the intricacies therein that is on our side. Mike and I have been feeling at peace lately, we have been feeling blessed and like we might be able to talk about the future - a future we weren't always sure we would have. God is good, all the time, friends.
Mike turns 35 (yikes!) in a week, mom and aunt are coming in a week for a visit, then Mike is doing a wedding, then we are getting away for a couple days for our 8th anniversary, and then the surgery. Not sure about the recovery process. The surgery is done through the nose but there is drilling through the skull involved. I imagine the gall bladder surgery was a pregame drill in comparison!
Thank you for praying for us friends. You da best!

surgery #2

Hi friends,
I know, I know, I'm overdue for a blog update. Much has happened in the last couple weeks. Mike has continued healing from the gall bladder surgery. The pathology report came back and concluded what the surgeon suspected - multiple infections - one very sick organ. Mike's stomach and GI track are learning to live without the gall bladder and his pain is getting better. We did return to the ER Friday night as Mike was in quite a bit of pain - someone lifted something heavy too soon - he hasn't seen my killer biceps, apparently. ahem.

Mike also went to see a neurosurgeon today, and he said the tumor has definitely grown and should come out. He said Mike could have radiation as well to shrink it, but eventually it should come out. The surgeon could not guarantee that headaches would get better after the surgery but it should help the endocrine issues. If it doesn't, we have to stick with medication and try to figure out the headaches. One step at a time, though. We are hoping for an early July surgery date as Mike has a wedding to do in a month, and then we'd like to get away for a couple days for our anniversary before the surgery/recovery and the start of another school year for me. We are waiting to hear back from the office to schedule the surgery. Overall, we feel good about this decision. We feel like it is the right decision and are hopeful that it will help with the endocrine issues (likely) and headaches (hopefully). And what's a summer without some minor brain surgery?! That's how we roll!

I was told two weeks ago that I was moving to a new position in the middle school. You might remember I've talked about this position, really wanting to make the change of positions. I was told I couldn't take that position due to my full- time status and then things changed and I was told I could. I was thrilled. I didn't realize how much my current position was taking from me. I've seriously thought about doing something different in the near future as I really feel like in the last 5 yrs there has been a big shift in education - it is so much less about educating kids and investing in their lives which is where my heart is. All that said, I was thrilled to be moving, and working with a team I really like. Unfortunately today, it was suggested I may not move - that I stay in my current position, and I lost it - full out cryfest! This job takes SO much out of me, and with all I've carried for the last 2 yrs, I just don't have the emotional strength to do this again. There are many VERY complicated factors involved with this, but today was very crushing . . . . and the first thing I thought was, life isn't turning around to be better, life will always be hard. Life will never be restful. I will always have to be strong. I don't have a choice but to work and carry health insurance, and while I am THANKFUL for a job when there are so many without one, this job is taking an unbelievable toll on me . . . . one day at a time.


In better news, . . . . . . . . . . .MIKE IS STILL SEIZURE FREE!!!!!!!!!! It is likely at this point that it was a side effect of medication . . . . and one day when life slows down we may need to deal with the emotions of that. We asked many drs for a long time whether this was a possibility, and were told "no" every time. sigh HOWEVER, our prayer was, and remains, that we would learn what we need to throughout all this. One day at a time.

Happy Mother's Day

The dictionary defines mother as, "to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward" and synonyms for mother are: "tend, nurse, mind, raise". On this Mother's Day it is only appropriate that I give kudos, a giant shout out, if you will, to my mom. What a year and a half. What utter disparity we have felt. What pain and agony life has dealt us. We have wanted out - out of life, out of sickness, out of all this side of Heaven has to offer. When I have been in my darkest moments, and wanted nothing more than to be done, I called mom. It hasn't been once or twice, it's been countless times. And countless times she has stepped up to be what I only hope I can be a fraction of someday.

She has tended - she has been at Mike's side while he was falling on his face several times daily. She has been by Mike's side through surgeries and procedures and painful medical tests. Tended.

She has nursed. She has been Mike's physical nurse and my emotional. She has helped us feel better in ways we didn't know we were hurting. She has advocated for Mike in countless hospitals. She has cared for him at his sickest moment when I just couldn't juggle all the balls anymore. Nursed.

She has minded. Mom has seen the best of the Durkees and the worst - she has observed and noticed things about us that needed correction, in love. A yr and a half of illness can be unpleasant on marriage and personal character, but mom had a way of encouraging, in love, the things that she saw in us. Minded.

She has raised. At 32 yrs old, I can say mom is still raising me. She has lived a lifetime of struggle with Ben and has an attitude of joy, encouragement and tender-heartedness. How many times I called her in hysterics telling her I couldn't do one more day, telling her God left me, that He didn't love me. And in her gentle spirit of love, she would remind me not to "let the enemy convince you He doesn't care. He knows intimately what you are going through. He understands it better than any of us could. He has not taken His eyes off of you for one second - even if it feels that way". She sent me that note, when I was perhaps at my lowest in all of this. And at the end she wrote, "wish we could take it all away" . . . . and at the very depths of my heart I know that's true - that they did desire to take it from us. In the depths of my heart I know she ached for us and yet was determined that God was there and we'd get through, just like she has all these years with Ben. She has indeed raised - raised three kids, one with immense challenges, raised my eyes in times of darkness, and raised my hope when I thought I had none. Raised.

Kudos to my mom - kudos to the moms out there who "tend, nurse, mind, raise". May you know you are loved. May you feel celebrated beyond Mother's Day. May you be convinced on the toughest "being a mom" days that on the other side of this life there is One that will hold you and tell you "well done". Love you, mom, more than words can type. My prayer is that one day, by God's grace, I may be half the mother you are . . . for I will count that great success and joy. Most of all, I will know that I am doing what God has called me to, in the enormous job of being mom.

one down . . . one to go?

For those of you who haven't heard, surgery went well Thursday, and Mike is home recovering. I will return to work Monday, and my mom is here until Thursday as there is testing this week and I cannot miss this at work. Mike was kept overnight at the hospital due to the adrenal issues, but he had no complications! Surgery went well. We are big fans of West Chester Medical Center and Dr. Fischer! He listened - a dr who finally listened to us and then took action. Mike has felt lousy for 7 weeks, and every test looked fine, and so no one believed he felt lousy. Unfortunately, due to the steroids to address adrenal issues, his bloodwork and tests can often come back looking far better than they are. And this dr knew that, and knew that the gall bladder needed to come out despite the good bloodwork, and took action. He was a breath of fresh air! Mike's gall bladder did indeed look bad and infected and had evidence of past infections. Dr. Fischer thinks this will make a big difference in how Mike feels. He should feel 80-100% in 3 weeks! He is feeling sore and has little appetite, but this is to be expected. All in all, this was a good and blessing-filled experience for us. Good doctor, good care, good results, and quick answers and action. There were so many things that day that were clearly the Lord's blessings and hand upon us, it was wonderful - and a long time since we've felt that in the medical field. The same day we saw Dr. Fischer, we saw a new endocrinologist that we really liked. We received orders for new tests and a referral to a pituitary surgeon. Mike will make an appointment for this Monday. I asked Dr. Fischer when Mike could have the surgery on the pituitary, IF that is what is determined, and he said 6 weeks. It is not for sure they will deem this a necessary surgery, but deep down we hope they will as this MAY be the answer to some/all of the endocrine issues. In the meantime, however, we will continue to enjoy over 50 days seizure free :):), healing from the gall bladder and hope that Mike will feel better, and follow up with the new endocrinologist who also seems to listen and be a go-getter.
We are thankful for your prayers and calls and blessings and love, friends.
Becka

Surgery . . . but not what you think, perhaps

Soooo, after long weeks of nothing - no results, no progress, no doctors who seemed to listen, today we have made progress. We fought long and hard to get someone to see Mike re: the pituitary tumor and flu-like symptoms he's had for 6 WEEKS! We begged doctors, showed up at ERs, did all that we could to get someone to listen to the fact Mike felt awful! We finally got four appointments this week and things are happening. First, after the wrong MRI was given last week to check the growth of the pit tumor, Mike was able to schedule another on Friday, without having to go to the ER (thankfully - I hate that place!). He won't, however, be able to go, because he is having surgery Thursday morning. We spent the day in the ER Monday as Mike was up all night in pain. He has had ongoing pain in his side with various other symptoms and after a scan on Monday, his gall bladder showed signs of needing to take the next step - see a surgeon. The surgeon we saw today gave us a 60-70% chance that removal will help Mike feel better. He is very experienced and came highly recommended, so we scheduled the surgery for Thursday morning. We are praying and are HOPEFUL that this removal will indeed take away the pain, GI issues, continual fever, etc. If it doesn't, we will be crushed - pain meds are not helping Mike at this point. Mike is also seeing an infectious disease doctor tomorrow - he fit us in and we are covering all our bases. Additionally, we saw a new endocrinologist. We really liked her. She was thorough and has already referred Mike to a neurosurgeon re: the pit tumor and did say the headaches COULD be related to the tumor. She was concerned about the growth. She also ordered tests that have been run before, but we were happy she was doing her own thorough work-up and not going on others' notes. She also ordered another test to check growth hormones as Mike's hands and feet have grown - weird! Mike will see the neurosurgeon when he can, get the lab work done as ordered, reschedule the MRI of the pituitary, and see the endocrinologist in a month unless bloodwork looks concerning. The endocrinologist is also reducing the amount of steroids Mike is on; her reasoning is that his dose is high and it could be causing him to feel lousy.

Today was a breath of fresh air - we felt like drs listened, gave good advice based on test results that finally showed something and there is action. Time will tell what this action will lead to. It would be awesome if Mike felt better after this surgery and we started to get some answers about the endocrine system. My mom is coming into town tomorrow (I LOVE my mom) as I am nervous there will be adverse effects to the surgery and would feel better if there were someone else in the house the night he comes home. Most patients go home the next day as this is a relatively easy surgery, but with the adrenal insufficiency, they MAY keep Mike. Surgery is a little more risky for Mike as his body can't fight stress on its own, and surgery is stressful. He will be given an extra dose of the steroids pre-op to help his body cope.
Keep praying for us, friends. We'll keep you updated Thursday.
Becka

Update

Super tired, so not sure how cohesive this will be, but I know an update is in order, and there are ways you can pray for us and ways you can praise with us. Let's start with the praises, shall we? Sunday, Mike took some old records to a music show and our hope was $500 as this is what is left for our out of pocket expenses for him, and I have yet to receive the bill from last hospital stay. I have no doubt that bill will fulfill the last out of pocket we will owe. We were disappointed when we walked out with $350, but it was $350 that we didn't have. Sunday night, some of our dear Young Life "kids" we worked with in NH, gave us $500. How sweet is God? We needed $500 and ended up with $850! Additionally, another month's mortgage was provided for us. I've said it before, but I must say it again, IT IS BY GOD'S GRACE WE STILL HAVE OUR HOUSE. You know what else has astounded us? Those who have "little" - who work hard and have to watch every penny - have given the most. It's amazing to us the huge amount of giving some have truly sacrificed (and we are well aware it has been a sacrifice) to encourage our hearts and allow us to keep our house. I cry every time I think about our friends giving on our behalf, and what they have given up for us - it's overwhelming. How do we begin to thank you??? Mike remains seizure free. YES!!!! SEIZURE FREE!!!!!! He is off one seizure med and has started to wean off another just today. It is with a grateful heart that I type these words, but I am cautiously optimistic as Mike has gone over 90 days, and we are not close to that. I have lived for so long waiting for the other shoe to drop, I must live cautiously optimistic - it's too hard to get my hopes up and have them crushed - just being honest. This weekend we also had friends "rent" space in our garage. This is a praise, because our flexible spending account for medical expenses is tapped out, and we don't have prescriptions or copays budgeted for. The "rented" space will help us pay for these monthly expenses. I'd love to stop here, b/c we have so much to be thankful for - so much to praise Him for . . . . there are ways you can pray for us as well, however.

Praises and Prayers:

Since Mike was in the hospital four weeks ago, his temperature has been over 102 degrees daily (with breaks in the fever here and there) and he has continued to feel weak, have no energy, have intense headaches, have GI issues and just generally feel awful. He went back to the hospital last week as he woke with a horrible headache and loss of sight in the left eye. His endocrinologist ordered an emergency MRI of the pituitary tumor (as the pituitary sits behind the eyes) to make sure it wasn't bleeding. After spending ALL day in the ER waiting for the MRI, Mike was given the wrong MRI - yep, no pituitary MRI - general brain MRI. The ER dr came in and said, "Good news, your brain looks clear!" Ummmm, excuse me? The pituitary looks good? No tumor? He answered with a resounding "YES!". Mike and I drove home dumbfounded and a call to the endocrinologist confirmed the next day that the MRI was not of the pituitary. Guess who's having another MRI next Friday of the pituitary? AHHHHHH! Mike specifically asked if the MRI was of the pituitary when he went down for the test. He was assured it was. Incompetence!!! From the results of NEXT Friday's test, the decision will be made as to whether Mike will see a neurosurgeon. Mike has also been referred by his primary care and endocrinologist to see an infectious disease dr. He sees this dr Wednesday. We are also waiting to hear from the NIH as to whether they will take him. We are unimpressed with the endocrine care Mike is receiving, and we are seeking another opinion if the NIH does not take him. Prayers are appreciated that we might find someone who will get to the bottom of the endocrine issues. Phew! I think that's all!
Sleep well tonight, friends. Know the Durkees love you and are thankful for ALL you do to love on us.

Waves

Life comes in waves - good times roll onto the shores of life and bad times follow, and the tides of life recede the bad times and good times roll back . . . . . over and over again the tides change and the waves crash on the shore or lap quietly.
We have experienced many waves this year and a half - hospitalizations, no diagnosis, diagnosis but no cure, treatments that don't work, seizure free periods, closeness of marriage, rough times in marriage, good doctors, not so good doctors, friends loving and caring for us, people who have said hurtful things to us throughout all this, God's provision, worry, peace . . . . where do you even begin to digest all that happened, all the waves that have come our way . . . I'm not sure this side of heaven we'll ever fully comprehend all the reasons and purposes behind all that has gone on . . . and I've said it before - that has to be okay.

The latest wave has brought peace, and that is always a welcome wave! I got away with my mom and sister for a Disney vacation - parks and a cruise (speaking of waves) to celebrate Liz's (my sister) graduation. It was relaxing and restoring despite the fact Mike was in the hospital while I was away. He insisted I stay on vacation, and God granted me peace and rest. Mike has gone 37 days seizure free. Can I begin to tell you how this has calmed my heart? Can I begin to tell you how nice it is to cuddle next to my husband at night, being free of (most) anxiety that he will seize and injure one of us? Can I tell you how nice it is to sleep through the night and in the same bed as my husband? So many nights we've slept apart - Mike not wishing to wake me with seizures. 37 days - let that sink in - 37 days. Mike's off one seizure med and we are hoping he can get off the other two if all goes well. You'll remember he has gone as long as 90+ days, so time will tell what seizure activity will look like. Since weaning off of the long time medicine that Mike slowly and painfully withdrew from, he is feeling better in many ways. That is a huge blessing to both of us.

Last week Mike was in the hospital. He had been sick for a week and went into the hospital for yet another emergency dose of cortef - the med that helps his adrenals fight infection. He ended up staying for 9 days as his blood levels and endocrine levels were all over the place! His kidneys weren't working, his GI track was a mess (and still is), he ran a fever of 104.6, his adrenals weren't working . . . . needless to say that kept him in the hospital for an extended time. He was told several times that he would see a neuroendocrinologist - not only did he not see one of those, he didn't see an endocrinologist but once, despite the fact all GI tests came back fine and all issues could be explained by his adrenal insufficiency. Wonder how much 9 wasted days is gonna cost me? AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Today Mike went to see his regular endocrinologist who is quite concerned at the rate the pituitary tumor is growing. It looks to have grown about 4 times the amount it was a year ago. All of Mike's recent symptoms could be attributed to this growth. The endocrinologist ordered blood work and said there is a 90% chance it has to come out due to the extreme growth over the last yr. The other concern is that because it has grown so rapidly, there is a POSSIBILITY it is malignant - I say possibility b/c we all know how one doctor's thoughts have been opposite of another's. The plan for now is bloodwork and depending on the results, an appointment with a neurosurgeon. And what do all these waves breed in me . . . .peace and hope that there is an answer to all we've endured.

Peace and hope . . . . when's the last time I've written about feeling those in my soul? It's been a while, a very long while.
Thank you for praying, friends, for walking through all this with us, for loving on us in more ways than I can write about or thank you for.
Becka

sweet 16

How sweet it is to be seizure freeeeee! 16 days seizure free, that is!!!! I have NO idea how long it's been since Mike's gone that long.

I should stop there, because that is the BIGGEST thing going on in our lives right now . . . . but I'm never at a loss for words. ahem. Sunday I take off for a week of vacation with my mom and sister. I am very excited, and so many Cincy friends have stepped up to look in on Mike and cook for him - he may be sad to see me back, he's gonna eat so well! With our break in the seizure action, my anxiety has actually gotten worse. I want desperately to hold on to this. As we know, this thing has been on again off again and the last round we were "on again" I wasn't sure I was gonna make it through. There is so much anxiety that it will get that bad again. I'm just waiting for us to crack under life's tremendous pressure when I should be at peace about seizure free days. I've lived for so long waiting for the other shoe to drop and this has given way to anxiety. I'm trying, friends - trying to pray through it, trying to trust through it, trying to be thankful and enjoy every seizure free moment. My hope is the vacation will be restoring and relaxing and Mike will be fine while I am gone . . . I'm choosing to trust he will be.

Signing off for a week or so. Be blessed, friends.
Becka

Let's talk numbers!

12 - Mike has been 12 DAYS/NIGHTS seizure free!!! I'm not sure when the last time is he's gone that long, but that means rest . . . for both of us. I continue to struggle with anxiety at night and wake up during the times he typically seizes or lie awake waiting for it. I've prayed about this, tried different things to get over it, but it lasts. Prayers for my anxiety are appreciated.

7 - In 7 days I am going on vacation with my mom and sister. We are headed on a Disney cruise! Mom is taking us to celebrate Liz's graduation and my birthday. She's saved up her Disney points and we are off for a week! I'm SOOOO looking forward to vacation and time with my family. Mike will be here, with people checking in on him daily and family a few hours drive away should he need anyone. The recent seizure free days bring me hope he will be okay while I'm gone. I have mixed emotions about leaving him, but everyone assures me I should go.

5 - We spent 5 hours in the ER this week, weary of appendicitis. After fluids, a CT scan with barium, and a diagnosis of "just a virus", we were on our way home. This is a record SHORT time in the ER for us!

3 - We now have 3 months of mortgage in savings. Last time I wrote, we had 2. With Mike being unable to work and my salary not being quite enough to pay all the bills, we have drained savings, and have lived on God's grace for almost a year.

1 - In 1 month Mike goes to NIH for a free study re: his endocrine issues. He applied and was denied about a year ago, and we are thankful he has been accepted. The recent MRI he had at Ohio State showed some growth of the pituitary tumor, but you will remember that every doctor we have seen has said the tumor is very tiny and cannot be affecting anything. NIH will offer another opinion about this.

0 - I have 0 things to complain about, because I am blessed, seriously and wonderfully blessed.

Love and thanks to you all for praying and supporting us, friends!

Becka

What goes up, must come down

After my "I can't do life anymore" post last week, I felt like Mike and I were as low as we had been in a very very long time. We were both sleep deprived and seizures were more frequent and intense. There was an overwhelming and crushing blow that the very difficult withdrawal Mike and I have lived since December, resulted in more seizure activity when we had hope that coming off the medication would perhaps be the answer. It not only was not the answer, things got worse! Talk about getting hit while you were already down. It's no secret I have battled hopelessness throughout this journey and the fact that I had put my hope in this small chance for an answer . . . . it was a smack in the face - I fought against the "Why do you bother hoping - it gets you nowhere every time" lie in the depths of my heart.

Mike left last weekend to go to Columbus - Ohio State - as their neuroendocrinology reputation is stellar. He, unfortunately, could not see one in the hospital. He was told it was not a life or death situation and therefore could not see one. You'll remember that Mike has yet to see a neuroendocrinologist. Our hope is that someone who has knowledge with the endocrine system (which is the only test that has shown anything is wrong with Mike) as well as neurology, will put together the endocrine issues (pituitary and adrenal glands) with his neurological symptoms. Mike was given an appointment in June but got a sooner appointment at the end of this month at the Cleveland Clinic. Mike has family in Cleveland.

Perhaps as the old saying goes, "what goes up must come down", the opposite may also be true. What was so far down last week, has come up. Here are some answers to prayer:

Mike has been accepted by the NIH to be a part of some medical studies that pertain to the endocrine system. He will see a neuroendocrinologist as a part of the study. Because this is a study, there is no charge to us. They may even pay for travel. This takes place in April. The exact date is TBD.

Mike has been in Cleveland with his family which has allowed me to sleep at night. What is comical is that the times Mike seized at night I am automatically waking up. I do love my routine. Ha! He will return home Friday.

Mike was taken off the Depakote (seizure medicine) as it had too many side effects. He has gone from 6 medications to 4!

Our mortgage is paid through May. We had $270 to pay our mortgage due April 1st and were trying to sell what we could to help pay for this. I was thinking about how sad it would be that on my birthday, I couldn't make my house payment. God was, and remains, faithful to us in providing funds to pay the bills. Mike has also applied for temporary disability. He was denied the first time and has applied again. Some of you have asked why we don't sell the house and move closer to family. This is complicated for 2 reasons. I would have to have a contracted teaching job before we could consider moving as we have to have income and health insurance. In this economy it is difficult to find a job, and I would have to retransfer my teaching license as well as fly back and forth for interviews. We would also have to sell our house which would be difficult in this economy. Our house also presents complication because when we bought it, the previous owners did not disclose some information and our basement is cracked all the way around. It leaks terribly. We would most definitely need to have this fixed before selling it. So, as easy as it sounds to move, there are many factors. Not to mention we really like Cincinnati and have friends here and love our house and neighborhood. To give this up would feel like yet another loss.

On a final note, I spent some much needed time with the Lord Sunday. When I get low, I feel like David - pleading with the Lord to "show up" . . . . and He always does. I read about trials and saw things in a new light. I also listened to a sermon online and there were many things that stood out to me, but this is what hit me the hardest - if you have long time unmet expectations of the Lord, it's because He is trying to exceed them. And that, my friends, is sweet.
Love and thanks and blessings to all of you for all that you are to us . . .

~Becka

no answers

Mike's EEG showed nothing - shocking. He is having the MRI of the pituitary tumor tonight and will probably be discharged tomorrow. Another wasted trip, another stay of no answers, and a big question mark of where do we go from here???? He couldn't see a neuroendocrinologist until June at OSU. He can see one on March 23 at the Cleveland Clinic. He was taken off the Depakote (seizure med) as it was having too many side effects, and the doctors agreed they wanted to see what Mike's body would do off of both medications. The questions we have to answer now are: where does Mike stay until the 23rd? He has family in Cleveland. If he comes home, how do I manage the seizing sleepless nights and working full time as we are barely staying afloat financially (only by God's grace have we sustained our house and not declared bankruptcy)? If the seizing continues, what is the long term plan? Where do we go from here and where is God???? That's what I really want to ask. Where is He? What is He doing? And does He realize that I am at a very large breaking point of not being able to do life anymore?? DEEP DEEP down in my heart, I know He's there. I know b/c you are all praying for us. I know b/c my bills are paid. I know b/c He's promised to be . . . . but I still ask "Where are You?"

Thank you for the prayers, encouragement and constant phone calls. I'm so sorry I haven't returned many - it is a blessing I haven't b/c I've been overwhelmed by how many of you have called. Blessings to you all. Hug your family tonight. Be thankful for everything. Don't forget us - we need prayer desperately . . . .

back to the hospital

Mike finished his withdrawal, and what we hoped might be the answer to the seizures, only brought more heartbreak. This weekend and through today Mike has had many seizures, among other symptoms. He is headed back to the hospital tonight. A good friend of ours is taking him to OSU hospital, a 2 hour drive, as I am so worn out emotionally and physically. This weekend has taken a toll on us and we are ready to be done. Mike is saying he wished I didn't have to take care of him anymore and this breaks my heart in so many ways. I'm so emotionally spent I can't imagine doing this anymore, not one more day. I'm all done. We both are.
Please pray Mike gets admitted to OSU and he is able to see a neuroendocrinologist. Mike has 2 ongoing issues - neurological and endocrine - thus far we have seen no one who has looked at these issues as connected. We are hopeful someone at OSU will. Mike's family, who lives in Cleveland, is meeting him at the hospital tonight. I, or my family, will keep you updated.
Thank you for praying - it is always enough.
Becka

Wanna Get Away

We all remember this ad slogan from Southwest Airlines. It starts with a person in a bad situation and then the ad breaks with Wanna Get Away? Next thing you know that person is boarding a plane going to some place nice.....but what about when you cant get away? I have driven twice in a year and a half and the rest of the time I have relied on other people to take me where I want to go. We all joke about it being Mikey's daily outing. I have to be honest sometimes that hurts. I remember when I could come and go when I pleased...that's not a right but I miss that privilege. So what happens when you cant get away, you have to stay where you are no matter what? I think that's when God does surgery. I feel like I am having open heart surgery. I am asked often what do I wake up for, what is my purpose each day? I believe God has given me this time to grow up. Grow up as a husband. Learn how to be a husband and what it means to truly serve Rebecca. For the first 6 and a half years Becka served me and I took it for granted. I had no clue what it was to be a husband. In many ways I still don't, but that's my number 1 purpose right now. Please pray for us. Not me but us, and not about just the illness but us. Not about just getting better for me but my number 1 purpose. Wanna Get Away..... Not a Chance. Want to learn to be a better husband and a mature 34 year old man? Absolutely!




Thanks for reading,
Mike

wrestling

Went to church this weekend. It was a new church for us – and what was the topic, you ask? It was suffering vs a loving God – I chuckled out loud a little. The church is doing a series about the big issues that many struggle with in the realm of Christianity. I thought the wrestling analogy was a good one – very appropriate for the way I feel. The message was from Job. The pastor opened with prayer and listed various sufferings – illness (check), loss of employment (check), and loss of a loved one. Can I tell you I have missed my grandparents SO much this week. I have seen little old ladies in the grocery store and started crying; I was watching a show where the bride had her grandfather walk her down the aisle – I cried; I flipped through my pictures on facebook and cried when I saw my grandparents. Their death is so final to me – I don’t know if this is typical of grieving – this feeling of finality and the feeling that I could cry at anytime months after they are gone.

Needless to say, the topic and opening prayer caught my attention in church. At the end of the service, the pastor asked us to sing the song that talks about the Lord giving and the Lord taking away and choosing to say in our heart of hearts, BLESSED be the name of the Lord despite our situation and what God allows. Lately I’ve truly been thinking about the words I’m singing in church – I haven’t always wanted to sing these words in my time of “wrestling” – just bein honest. The pastor asked us to sing it in faith. I found that at my core, I can still sing in faith that no matter what happens, God is sovereign. One of my greatest fears throughout all this, and I think I’ve shared this before, is that my heart would be hardened, because most of the time I operate on autopilot – feeling little and just getting through the day. It was reassuring to me that I was indeed able to sing that with “faith”.

Today I’d like to ask you to pray for another family. We have been bathed in prayer by SOOOO many and have been SOOOOO blessed by it, that we’re asking you uphold the Belanger family this week. They gave birth to, and subsequently lost their first little girl, Ashlyn Rose, this week. No doubt they will be doing a lot of wrestling . . . .
One more thought to leave you with – a story I heard on the radio this past week. There was a group of men who left their village for the fishing season. On their scheduled return, there was no sign of them. The village was devastated – fearing they lost their father, sons, uncles, friends. A few nights after the scheduled return, there was a great storm. One of the houses in the village was struck by lightning and caught fire. Everything was lost. The next morning, the village awoke with great joy in their hearts as they saw the ships, carrying their men, on the horizon, heading home. As the men got off the boats, the woman whose house had burnt met her husband in utter despair – crying to him and telling him everything was gone. He smiled to her and said, “Rejoice in the fire for it was the light of the flames that lit our way home”. The question that followed was an interesting one – What tragedy has God allowed in your life to usher in blessing?

purpose

I've been talking to many lately, and one theme I've continually heard is purpose. You may recall this summer Mike went without seizing for over 90 days and we were thrilled! We assumed we were at the end of all this - after all, the neurologists we have seen far and wide have said the brain can do funny things, and one day it can just go back to being "normal" and Mike may stop seizing. We indeed thought that his brain had gone back to normal and life would too. And now here we find ourselves. The challenging steps to this journey have left us feeling almost every imaginable emotion: loss, grief, sadness, discouragement, disbelief, doubt, anger, rage, overwhelment, despair, depression so deep it makes you long for the other side . . . . . and when you deal with so much over a long period of time (what seems to us to be forever) you start asking the tough questions. You ask questions about life, about love, about God, about purpose. And in my conversations with others, I've come to realize we're not the only ones dealing with the question of purpose - be it purpose behind a situation or a search for purpose in life. We are dealing with both - how many times I have laid next to Mike at night, having him beat my hands in place of his head during a seizure and wondered "what is the purpose of this?" "What is God doing?" "How is this furthering the kingdom as I silently scream at the heavens at all hours of the night?" On Mike's end there is the question of purpose in life. He can't drive, he avoids stairs, he is not stabile enough in his health to hold down a job, he is limited at making any kind of commitment due to the up and down roller coaster that this journey has allowed. So what is the purpose for him? What is it he is accomplishing by sitting at home day in and day out, doing housework while I work to keep us afloat? He accomplishes a clean house which makes me happy, but how are we advancing the kingdom? How is it that the silent struggle in the confines of our house is making any difference in the grand scheme of bringing God the glory? Perhaps it is to rejoice with many if this ever resolves. Perhaps it is to walk through hard times with another when they deal with something similar. Perhaps we won't see purpose until the other side . . . . . and some days I'm not okay with that - just being honest. Some days I'm so done with all this and so down, and SO exhausted that I want purpose to show itself, but maybe it won't this side of heaven, and that's something I'll have to come to terms with. There is a song by Rita Springer that talks about the pain in life and how it'll all be worth it at the sight of the Savior's face. In my own selfishness, I desire that I see purpose before my time is up on earth. . . . but it may not.
So while I look for purpose and ask my hard questions, my responsibility remains faithfulness to the Lord and faithfulness to wedding vows I said years ago about sickness and health and good times and bad . . . and perhaps those are the purposes I should focus on now, because they are enough and I fail at that them daily!

We still await test results. Mike went to the hospital this week to have bloodwork done because some of his levels were off, and while there he had a seizure. He hasn't had a seizure during the day in about a month - they always seem like a BIG step back to us. Surprisingly, the hospital didn't keep Mike - wouldn't do any good anyway. I was thankful he came home. Mike's dad was visiting this week and helped with projects around the house. We were grateful for that. Mike has one more med adjustment until he is off the medication he has been on for years. This withdrawal has not been for the faint of heart! Every time he goes down, we never know what to expect - each milligram decrease brings another weird and difficult symptom - this decrease has brought vomiting, but only at night which is SUPER helpful for the lack of sleep we already receive! I am starting week 2 of awful craziness at work. I have 6 HUGE projects culminating this week and need every ounce of sleep I can get.

Keep praying friends. Longsuffering is not for the weak of heart, and I may be weak as this is taking everything out of me . . . sigh . . . blessings to you all!

one day at a time

Thought an update might be in order, although there's little to say. Mike continues to come off the meds and a week after he decreases the med, he goes seizure free for about 4 -5 days which has been a nice rest for us. No idea why this is, but seizures always come back, so time will tell whether this medication is contributing to the overall issues Mike is having. Sleep has been restored for the breaks in seizure activity he has had. That's a praise!
I have been feeling particularly attacked at work on all sides and that has left me thinking about next year and how much longer I can juggle a high stress job and high stress home situation. One thing is for sure - I am thankful for steady work and health insurance!
Another praise this week was a $200 donation at the end of this month - guess what we were short for bills . . . $197. He continues to provide for us, and I am guilty of not giving enough praise for that. The plan for us right now is taper off this med, see the homeopathic doctor, and then options are pretty much spent. If none of this brings relief, we have some decisions to make and future planning to discuss . . . . but I'm not there yet . . . .I'm having a little panic attack just thinking about that - one day at a time, one day at a time

quick update

Not much new to tell - it's been another week of frustration and tears and exhaustion. Mike continues to taper off his medicine and we are awaiting test results ordered by the homeopathic doctor. Once the results are in hand, Mike will see him. I did have the opportunity to go to an early morning workout today and then breakfast with a friend. I reaaaalllllyyyy needed to get out of the house, and it was so nice to sit and talk about others, rather than the constant talk about what's going on with us. I now jokingly tell people at work who ask how I am that "I'm livin the dream!". They laugh, so do I, and it's a good way to keep from getting into things. I do feel like Mike and I have reached the place where we are on autopilot - taking one day at a time - operating like robots - doing the things that need to be done and not much else. I've been fearful that this long time of suffering and the quietness I feel from the Lord is turning me into a bitter, uncaring person. I feel so detached emotionally from most things. But then I heard from a good friend this week that she is pregnant - which has long been something her heart has desired - and I screamed for joy for her - it felt so good to rejoice in another's blessing. Her words to me were, "This is reason to hope, Rebecca Lynn". And perhaps it is . . . .

prepare yourself . . .

for this is not one of those posts where I am happy and cheerful and counting my blessings and . . . you get the idea. Christmas - we spent Christmas with my family. We had a wonderful Christmas day and what I wanted more than anything was two weeks of rest. Two weeks to recharge, spend holidays with family and friends and Mike. A few days after arriving in NH Mike's seizures got worse. One night he seized at 12:45, 1, 1:15, 1:30 and 1:45 (a.m. that is) - at that point I told the Lord I had HAD IT! I had asked Him for 2 weeks of rest and was suddenly begging for 15 minutes! Mike also got the stomach flu that week and the night of the extended family Christmas party he was admitted to the hospital to kick the illness, receive meds i.v. and have a CT scan with contrast. Apparently something on his intake xray looked funny and they wanted a CT scan follow up. We were hoping it would show something to do with his adrenal glands, but alas, everything was normal once again. Mike spent three days in the hospital, and while I'd love to tell you I got great sleep, I had visions of the last time he was in the hospital and my cell rang at 3 a.m. telling me he was moved to ICU. No calls this time, but little sleep as well. An hour and a half after being discharged, Mike and I hopped on a plane to go back home. In the hospital, Mike started seizing during the day again. The good thing is he can feel them coming on. The bad thing is having seizures during the day greatly limits our ability to be out and about as well as Mike's freedom. You cannot believe the anxiety I had while in the airport and flying - praying desperately that we'd make it without any seizures. We did! Phew! We returned home on NYE and had a fire and food, just the two of us. It was bittersweet. We were home alone after being surrounded by family. Mike was wiped out by his illness and hospital stay and we were both left contemplating the year of 2010 and the coming 2011 in the quietness of our hearts. It's funny how many years I made off the cuff resolutions and barely thought of the year before with any significance, but this year . . . this year there was much to think about - about 2010 and what 2011 will bring. To be honest, I dare not hope for anything in 2011 as it will crush me if things don't come to fruition. The days following NYE were busy - me back to work and caring for Mike as he tapered off the med he's been on for so many years. The tapering did not go well (to say the least) and his levels had to be increased again. He will gradually be taken off again (more gradually than at first attempt). The two nights during the first week back to work were awful. I was up every hour with Mike for some reason or another.

I hit an all time low that Monday and Tuesday. I was in such a place of despair and overwhelment (I'm not sure that's a word) that I'm not sure I've ever been in. I was done. I was done with illnesses and doctors and work and finances and lack of sleep and anxiety and . . . . life. I was exhausted. As Mike and I laid in bed last night and talked about why were so down, I told him that I always knew in my heart things would get better - things always do get better. This is the first time in my life that I don't have any hope that things will get better. I know truth; I know Scripture; I know God loves me; I know there are those who's trials FAR exceed mine . . . . but somehow I've lost hope . . . . or maybe it's not that I've lost it, but that I dare not hope for fear of the devastating blow that will hit me in the gut when what I hope for does not become reality. I'm so tired of everything. I'm worn out. I don't know how much longer I can do this - I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm crumbling under the pressure. I read this verse last week and I couldn't have said it better: "Have mercy on me oh Lord for I am faint. Heal me Lord for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?" PS 6.


Mike update: Mike will start to decrease the med again more gradually in the next week or so. His hand tremors are particularly bad right now and his balance is horrible. He is falling a lot and this may be attributed to the steroids. Remember Mike has adrenal insufficiency and all that works for this is steroids which have many side effects. We can't take him off the steroids because his adrenals do not work without them and we cannot lower the steroids at this point because we cannot do too many medicine changes at once. He hasn't had a seizure during the day in about a week. Thank you for praying friends. Blessings.
Becka

Quick Update from Liz

Hey Everyone,

Mike and Becka made it back safely to Cincy. Mike was released from the hospital about an hour before we left for the airport. All of his test results came back fine (CT scan with contrast and blood cultures). Because Mike was in the hospital for much of his time in NH, we did not get a new picture for the blog. Hopefully they will be able to get one at home sometime.

Since home, Mike has continued to seize during the day. Please pray for them to feel strengthened and for the the seizures to be controlled. Seizures are very tiring on the body, and the medications he is on add to his exhaustion.

Happy New Year to everyone! As a family, we look to this year with anticipation and hope, knowing He is in control.